Confessions of a Social Introvert

Sunday, May 18, 2008

All about Choices

When I was still young, I found it easy to deal with everything... All I worry about was how to get ACE on my subjects, how to keep my scholarship and how to keep my parents proud. I would only cry over something that's too petty like not going to an overnight swimming with my classmates or to hike at Mt. Makiling because my parents wouldn't allow me to. I could still remember my tantrums when my Mom and Dad didn't sign my waiver to go to my Girl Scout camping. But after a week or two, I was okay and fine as if nothing happened.

I started to be independent when I was 18. I stayed in a dormitory approximately 2 hour drive from home. It was my parents preference because I'd always got sick with the travel time to the University. I was on my 2nd year College then.

I learned in life, for you to be able to keep up, you must mingle with the different types of people. I grew up in a conservative family. My parents don't have vices. College life was a breakthrough to accept change. Everything's different. I met a gay couple who used to live in the same house I was. At first, I felt it was such a moral disgrace. Growing up as a Catholic Christian, I felt they were sinners. But the guys really rock my world. They taught me being gay is just an acceptance of who they really are. Falling inlove with the same sex is unconditional. Come to think of it, it is... I also met a high-end prostitute who used to be in my class. She was pretty and all that. Before I didn't understand why'd she do that. Then I came to realize, it was her choice to finish College. I got friends who were addicted to shabu and marijuana. They'd usually party before our exams and Parliamentary procedure recital. Some of them did that before our Theatrical performance. It was when I realized, it would make them feel confident and face rejections.

I remember this friend in my my first year high. She's really an epitome of beauty and brains. She grew up in States, and enrolled in our University because she had a traumatic past back there. She had a boyfriend who was also our classmate. They were together until we graduated. She went back to the US after graduation. She said she'd just need to work harder so that she could pay for the lot she wanted them to live in when they settle down. But I heard they didn't end up together. Infact, the guy is happily married now. I didn't understand what else could that guy ask for? He almost had it all. She's a total catch!

It was when I realized people make their own choices. With the gay couple, it was their choice why they'd chose to be with the same sex. They'd express themselves freely with one another. They broke up before they graduated, but they remained friends until now. With the high-end prostitute, teething was her way to survive College. Now, she's a prominent lawyer. With my addicted friends, partying made them surpass our not-so-easy exams and shows. They made it to College and became successful Entrepenuers. With my friend in first year high, it was her choice to leave for the states to buy the lot of her dreams in the expense of her own happiness. She's still single by choice, and successful business woman. With the guy, it was his choice to chose someone who would stand up for him through richer and in poorer. Maybe, he was looking for a deeper meaning of relationship.

Funny thing about choices is once you make them, you have to live with them. You gotta embrace them. Never look back for it would only hurt you so bad...

Pause.

Maybe it's time for me to reassess the situation... Gotta make my own choice! Whatever it is, I'd make sure, it's for my own sake... And I won't regret.

Friday, May 16, 2008

A, B, C

Wait. Wait. Wait.

Accept. Expect the unexpected. Let universe do the works.

Leave. Ignore. Just get out. Move on...

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Love Remembrance

I sit quietly in my winter garden
Holding your Love in my finger tips

I breathe in the cool, crisp air and I feel content
For I know that you will always adore me despite our differences

The frozen silence swirling around me brings peace to my heart
And lulls me deeper into complacency

I drift into a drowsy half-sleep and
Fragmented images of you begin passing through my mind
A timeless trance
A brush of shadows moving across my face

Patterns of your discontent dance in the wind-teased winter leaves around my feet
And a vague unease begins to scratch at the velvet overlay of delusion I shroud myself in

As I sleep
Your soul became a growing tsunami fighting against my neglect for your needs
Anger so all-encompassing it has no focus

Over endless white snow through endless white fog
Your ghost runs beside me along with memories of the times I came to my garden to forget
The times we spent in endless strife

We stare at each other through our spirit-eyes
The dead silence between us running deep

We move in our own separate solitudes, turning in on ourselves in a grim struggle to maintain our sanity
Becoming so far removed from each other
I cannot understand what you desperately need from me

Disturbed deeply by these visions
I stumble
Lost in this chaotic whirl

My illusion that you could never leave me turns cold
And forever winter nights run across my soul

Grief, rage and accusations flow out of me, until my tears calm into quiet acceptance

At last I awake and chide my empty fingers
For your love is truly gone from my hands
And now love remembrance is all I have left.

--M.D Burke

Grays & Tears

Do you remember me?
I am the light and illusion flickering around you
Fading into an indistinct existence
This was once my place

Do you still feel my love?
A mélange of passions shaded in grays and tears
Diminishing into an undefined splatter of reality
I reach out across the astral plane

Take a leap of faith!
I am here for you again
My soul manifests
As a pronounced fascination of sentiments
Dimension and time converging around us

I'm right here
You just have to believe

Wreathed in an elegant nimbus of remembrance
My soul arches in a graceful ascent above the moon cast sky
How is it you cannot see me?

Compelled by love
My spirit rests here beside you
Imprinted in elaborations of unseen eons
I await your awakening, my Love...

--M.D. Burke

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Up, Up and away

"Karma is the eternal assertion of human freedom.
Our thoughts, our words and deeds
are the threads of the net
which we throw around ourselves."
--Swami Vivekananda

"We are more powerful than we even imagine."
--KLBseagull

"You'll see it when you believe it!"
--Dr. Wayne Dyer

"If you are open to new possibilities in your life, then that alone will give you access to those possibilities - readiness is all."
--Dr. Deepak Chopra

"There is no such thing as chance; And what to us seems merest accident
springs from the deepest source of destiny."
--Friedrich von Schiller

"Make divine choices. This is a matter of refusing to make a choice based upon the expectations of others. Instead, you decide to act in ways consistent with your purpose and who you really are."
--Dick Sutphen

"Just trust yourself, then you will know how to live."
--Goethe

"Imagination is more important than knowledge."
--Albert Einstein

"Do or do not. There is no try."
--Yoda

"People stumble over the truth from time to time, but most pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing happened."
--Sir Winston Churchill

"If you think you can do a thing, or think you can't do a thing - you're right!"
--Henry Ford

"Let the waters settle. You will see stars and moon mirrored in your being."
--Rumi

"We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world."
--Buddha

"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity."
--Albert Einstein

"If you believe it will work out, you'll see opportunities. If you believe it won't, you'll see obstacles."
--Dr. Wayne Dyer

"Out beyond ideas of right-doing and wrong-doing there is a field. I'll meet you there."
--Rumi

"I believe in the perfect outcome of every situation in my life."
-Brian Tracy

After witnessing the power of the force, Luke Skywalker exclaimed,
"I don't believe it!"
His Jedi mentor responded...
"That is why you fail."
--The Empire Strikes Back

"It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit."
--Harry S Truman

"Life is like a phone call with a loved one. When it is cut short, we realize how much of it we have wasted."
--KLBseagull

"People will forget what you said, and people will forget what you did, but they will never forget how you made them feel."
--Astraea

"When given the choice between being right or being kind, always choose kind."
--Dr. Wayne Dyer

"I'm just a soul whose intentions are good; Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood!"
--The Animals

"Never fight with an ugly person. They have nothing to lose."
--Edwin R. Saferite

"Follow the path of serenity.Why lose your temper if by losing it you offend God, trouble your neighbor and in the end have to set things aright anyway?"
--Mother Teresa

"Never are we nearer the Light than when darkness is deepest."
--Swami Vivekananda

"The only Zen you find on the tops of mountains is the Zen you bring up there."
--Robert Pirsig

"Everyone is doing the best they can - not the best they know how but the best they can. So to judge others by our own standards is always a mistake."
--Dick Sutphen

A former inmate of a Nazi concentration camp was visiting a friend who had shared the ordeal with him.
"Have you forgiven the Nazis?" he asked his friend.
"Yes."
"Well, I haven't! I'm still consumed with hatred for them!"
"In that case," said his friend gently,
"They still have you prisoner."
--Ernest Kurtz and Katharine Kitcham

"We should have a great fewer disputes in the world if words were taken for what they are, the signs of our ideas only, and not for things themselves."
--John Locke

"In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."
--Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

"The practice of forgiveness is our most important contribution to the healing of the world."
--Montel Williams

"The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking
we were at when we created them."
--Albert Einstein

"In the choice between changing one's mind and proving there's no need to do so, most people get busy on the proof."
--John K. Gilbraith

"Shoot for the moon! Even if you miss you will land among the stars."
--Les Brown

"Imagination is the eye of the soul."
--Joseph Joubert

"Opportunities multiply as they are seized."
--Sun Tzu

"Obstacles are things people see when they take their eyes off their goal."
--E. Joseph Cossman

"When we choose actions that bring happiness and success to others, the fruit of our karma is happiness and success."
--Dr. Deepak Chopra

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Hanging Bridge

Can't sleep. Too many questions.

Most of the times, I need time to be alone. But not like this. Not this time.

Been trying to cope up with an uninviting surprise. Still having the mindset to deal with the changes of what's going to happen. Going out of my comfort zone is out of my vocabulary.

Why do I let situation like this affect me? Why do I have to feed myself with thoughts that it might not push through? Why do I still have this hope inside of me that things will be ok?

All I need is the TRUTH. I deserve to know it. But, it seems like I'm not suppose to get an explanation. I've been waiting for weeks now. Still trying to act casual yet deep down I feel uneasy.

Wanna scream out loud til I lose my voice... Wanna cry til tears shed no more... Maybe then, I'll find the answers...