An Open Prayer

On this day in your life, remember this: a decision remains a mere wish until you take that first irreversible step. You might convince yourself that you've already made up your mind, that nothing can deter you, but what happens when taking that step forward feels riskier than taking a step back? 

It's during these moments that you need to stay committed to your path, especially when the going gets tough. Sometimes, the right thing to do is to embrace that irreversible step, the one after which there's no turning back. And right now, it's one of those times.

With these thoughts, I offer a heartfelt prayer:

For My Family: May they walk alongside me in this journey with minimal hardships, for they bear no responsibility for the circumstances that brought us here. They are the reason I strive to better myself, to provide a brighter future for them. God, guide me with unwavering peace and understanding on this path.

For My Haters: I've learned to pray for my adversaries. Not for how they've wronged me, but for their lives, their families, and the challenges they face. I prayed with sincerity, not because I am inherently good, but because God is good, holy, and righteous, and I love Him.

Today, I still wrestle with inner turmoil. Today, I'm reminded that my actions speak louder than my words, teaching those around me what I truly believe. Today, I grapple with that lingering sense of loneliness in the depths of my being. Today, I acknowledge I have much to learn and transform, much in need of the redemptive touch of a Mighty God.

Yet today, I continue to surrender to the One who is a sanctuary. The One who sees the ultimate outcome, no matter how challenging it may be for me, the One I trust wholeheartedly. Today, I persist in praying for my adversaries, as fervently as I know how, recalling the words of Matthew 5:44: "Love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you."

For Me, Myself & I: Strengthen my trust in You, Lord. Enable me to trust myself as I place my trust in You. When things don't unfold as I expect and my efforts seem fruitless, grant me the resilience to persevere with hope, even in the face of past failures. Help me trust in myself as I trust in You, drawing upon Your strength within me to persist and give my best.

Guide me away from doubt and frustration when I falter in discerning and acting in my best interest. Free me from the burden of judging the righteousness of Your plan in my life. Teach me to admit that I don't always know what's best for myself. You've promised to make my crooked paths straight if I place my trust in You in all my ways. Allow me to rely not just on Your promise, but also on the righteousness of trusting in You.

Show me how to embody Your desire for mercy over perfection in my life. Lead me to place my hope in You by trusting in the rightness and goodness of whatever You guide me to do.

Help me celebrate You, not only in the heavens or among the nations, but also within the narrative of my life. Enable me to trust myself as I trust in You, so that I may let go of self-doubt and walk by faith rather than by sight.

Amen.

Perhaps, it's time to open my doors wide, to trust and unveil my soul. It's time to move forward with sincerity, to love and be loved once more.

Living your Dream

As a child, I've so many dreams... And as I grew up, my dreams never changed. Although, there came a point I almost lost track of what I wanted to become...

Things happened unexpectedly way back which made me decide to gave up that dream or should I say those dreams. Lately, during my me-time I realized that it's not too late to pursue 'em. It's never too late! 

I always wanted to be a lawyer. I found it very admirable to litigate. No wonder, I enjoy debate and heated arguments a lot, but of course, just those decent and civil ones. Recently, an eye-opener lead me to rekindle that dream. I'm seriously considering of going back to school. This time, pursue law proper taking up the Executive classes. Since enrollment is already over, I'd try next semester if it will fit my schedule, and finances of course.

I always wanted to travel. But given the fact my family couldn't afford my whims, it took years before I could finally travel outside the country. Of course, that's the time when I have enough to spend. I definitely work and work to spend it for travel. 

Don't get me wrong, I really love shopping! it's a therapy for me. But, travelling - it's a different feeling of satisfaction. Unexplainable. It was an ode to myself to travel every year since 2010. This year, I'm chasing Asia again...

I really admire people who speak and write different languages. My goal before the end of this year is to learn French and Japanese, if not Korean. I always have passion to learn new and acquire new things. Thanks to Podcast, this dream of mine is no longer impossible as there are readily available audiobooks for these language courses.

I never had sports when I was still young. Maybe because I focused too much in my studies and extra curricular activities (public speaking per se). So, I never had the chance to play any sports. I'll be good at least one sport by the end of this year, either badminton or target shooting. I'll still decide.. Or maybe, swimming since up to this age, I don't know how to swim. Sounds crazy, but true!

I really love music. Infact, singing is part of my everyday routine (esp when I'm bored). But, I found it odd why I no longer strum guitars, nor play piano. I learned these before. But because I didn't practice well, I ended up forgetting how-to. So with that, I'd definitely buy a guitar. Learning how-to is no longer a problem. It's going to be an easy task, with the help of my music instructor.  Yey! ☺☺☺

We may lost some of our dreams. But deep within our hearts, part of it still remains. Never stop chasing that dream! Let's enjoy life while we're young, while we're still breathing... 

Understanding the 5 Stages of Grief

Grief doesn't come with a manual, and it's not about neatly packaging messy emotions. 

It's a highly individual response to loss, and these stages serve as a framework to understand and identify what you might be feeling. They don't follow a linear timeline, and not everyone experiences all of them or in a specific order.

Denial

This initial stage helps us cope with overwhelming loss. We might feel numb, wondering how to move forward. It's a natural response that paces our grief, allowing us to absorb only what we can handle.

As you come to terms with the reality of the loss and begin to question it, you unknowingly initiate the healing process. Your inner strength grows, and the veil of denial starts to lift. However, as you move forward, all the emotions you once suppressed gradually resurface.

Anger

Grief often masks itself as anger. We're more accustomed to managing anger, but underneath it lie many other emotions. Anger can be directed at various targets, even at God. It's a bridge, connecting us to our emotions and offering some structure amid the chaos of loss.

Beneath anger lies your pain, a natural response to feeling deserted and abandoned. Unfortunately, our society often discourages the expression of anger. However, anger can also be a source of strength, offering a temporary anchor amidst the void of loss. Initially, grief may feel like being adrift at sea, disconnected from everything. 

But then, anger may be directed at someone—perhaps someone who didn't attend the funeral, someone absent, or someone who has changed since your loved one's passing. This anger becomes a framework, a link connecting you to them. It provides something to grasp onto, and even an anger-forged connection feels better than utter emptiness. Typically, we're more accustomed to suppressing anger than embracing it, but this anger is a testament to the depth of your love.

Bargaining

Before a loss, we might make deals with the universe, hoping to prevent it. Afterward, we find ourselves lost in a maze of "If only..." and "What if..." scenarios. Guilt often accompanies bargaining, as we blame ourselves for not doing more. We may even try to bargain with the pain itself.

We find ourselves entangled in a labyrinth of "If only..." and "What if..." scenarios. We long for life to return to its former state, to have our loved one back. We yearn to rewind time: discover the illness earlier, prevent the accident—if only, if only, if only. Guilt often accompanies these bargaining thoughts. The "if onlys" lead us to scrutinize ourselves, pondering what we could have done differently.

In our desperation to evade the pain of loss, we dwell in the past, attempting to negotiate a way out of the heartache. People often perceive these stages as lasting weeks or months, yet they forget that they are responses to fleeting feelings, moments that can stretch from minutes to hours as we oscillate between them. These stages aren't experienced in a linear progression; we may cycle through one, then another, and even return to the initial stage as we navigate our grief journey.

Depression

This stage delves deeper into the present, bringing emptiness and sadness. It's a profound sadness that may feel endless. It's essential to understand that depression in grief is not a sign of mental illness but a natural response to significant loss.

During this phase, we may withdraw from life, enveloped in a dense cloud of profound sadness. We may question the purpose of carrying on alone, wondering why we should go on at all. Unfortunately, depression following a loss is often misconstrued as unnatural, something to be fixed or shaken off. It's essential to begin by considering whether the circumstances genuinely warrant a depressive response.

The loss of a loved one is, in itself, an inherently saddening situation, and depression serves as a normal and appropriate reaction. In fact, not experiencing depression after the death of a loved one would be an uncommon response. When the full weight of the loss settles in our souls, and we come to terms with the fact that our loved one won't recover and won't return, it's only natural to experience this level of depression. If grief is a path toward healing, then depression is a vital step along that journey.

Acceptance

Often misunderstood, acceptance doesn't mean being okay with the loss. It's about acknowledging that our loved one is gone, and this new reality is permanent. We'll never like it or make it okay, but we learn to live with it. It's the recognition that life has changed irreversibly.

Finding acceptance may be just having more good days than bad ones. As we begin to live again and enjoy our life, we often feel that in doing so, we are betraying our loved one. We can never replace what has been lost, but we can make new connections, new meaningful relationships, new inter-dependencies. Instead of denying our feelings, we listen to our needs; we move, we change, we grow, we evolve. We may start to reach out to others and become involved in their lives. We invest in our friendships and in our relationship with ourselves. We begin to live again, but we cannot do so until we have given grief its time.


Get help.  You will be better. Even if believing it seems impossible right now—just trust that it's true. Experiencing pain following a loss is a perfectly normal aspect of our humanity. It reaffirms our existence. However, we must not halt our lives. Instead, we must grow stronger while preserving our capacity to feel, all in the pursuit of eventual healing, love, and happiness.

One remarkable way to aid our healing process and transform tragedy into something positive is by assisting others who are navigating experiences we've endured. You will survive. You heal.

Sweetness

Can't thank you enough for making me smile. You know who you are!!! I appreciate the effort playing this with your guitar. More to come... Check out my list:

• Secrets - One Republic
• Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol
• Say it Again - Marie Digby
• Decode - Paramore
• Thinking of You - Katy Pary
• A Thousand Years - Taylor Swift
• Back To December - Taylor Swift
• Unwell - Matchbox 20
• Counting Blue Cars - Dishwalla
• Runaway - Bruno Mars
• Old Friend - Early Rise (Thanks for the influence)
• Payphone - Maroon 5
• I Need You - LeAnn Rhimes
• Stereohearts - Gym Class Heroes
• Breakeven - One Republic
• California King Bed - Rihanna
• You Da One - Rihanna
• Torn - Natalie Imbruglia
• Cool With You - Jennifer Love Hewitt
• Just The Way You Are - Bruno Mars

Loser strikes back

People respond to situations differently. Some call out war. While some kept silent. And, that was the path I've chosen. I remained silent despite all the accusations. Long-time feud caused by enviousness and jealousy has put to an end. It doesn't matter what has been said, who said it and to whom it was said. Truth of the matter is, such a feeling of relief exists.

Happiness. As per Wiki, it is a mental or emotional state of well-being characterized by positive or pleasant emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy. 

Just when I thought it's already over, then I received new comment now. But of course I won't approve it. Why should I? This is my space, and I deserve to whether approve or reject comments. In all fairness, it really made me laugh. Very poor rebuttal, weak points. Whoever you are, I'd like to stress out few points:

1. Stop meddling as you are not involved. You have no right to comment or react as you do not personally know me. And I don't have time to get to know you. Such a waste of time.

2. You are a LOSER! Leaving comments just like that without representing yourself makes me want to laugh at you more and more. Who do you think you are?

3. ISSUE RESOLVED. Just for the record, you have already mistreated, convicted me without due process. And, last Saturday was just a proof that all doubts and prejudices were cleared up. So, stop bad mouthing! You do not matter to me!

4. Having a pretty face with no wits and brains is useless, especially if your hobby is ranting and whining. Personality counts. Better think twice before you comment in my blog. Again, this is my space. You have no right.

5. RESPECT. You're just viewing and reading my blog. I thank you for taking time to read my posts. It just shows how interested you are about me, myself and I. Thank you for supporting my blog. 

6. YOU'RE STUPID!!! I challenge you to tell who you are! I dare you, and I'll approve it! Prove you're worthy. Otherwise, you're such a low-rate-pathetic-loser who just eavesdrops on me. But still, thank you for being A FAN!!!

Go back to the jungle where you truly belong! I just gave you credit for featuring you here in my blog. I'm really laughing my heart out. Thanks for giving me enormous laugh today. Your rants really made my day... Climate already changed. It's rainy days now... So, better start moving on. Stop being pathetic!!!

Smile

Thank you for making me smile...

You're better then the best
I'm lucky just to linger in your light
Cooler than the flip side
Of my pillow, that's right

Completely unaware
Nothing can compare to where
You send me, lets me know that it's okay
Yeah, it's okay
And the moments where my good times start to fade

You make me smile like the sun, fall out of bed
Sing like bird, dizzy in my head
Spin like a record, crazy on a Sunday night

You make me dance like a fool, forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Oh, you make me smile

Even when you're gone,
Somehow you come along just like
A flower pokin' through the sidewalk crack
And just like that
You steal away the rain, and just like that

You make me smile like the sun, fall out of bed
Sing like bird, dizzy in my head
Spin like a record, crazy on a Sunday night

You make me dance like a fool, forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Oh, you make me smile

Don't know how I lived without you
'Cause every time that I get around you
I see the best of me inside your eyes
You make me smile

You make me dance like a fool, forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild

You make me smile like the sun, fall out of bed
Sing like bird, dizzy in my head
Spin like a record, crazy on a Sunday night

You make me dance like a fool, forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Oh, you make me smile
(Oh, you make me smile)
Oh, you make me smile
(Oh, you make me smile)
Oh, you make me smile

Primus Amor

As I see him across the street, my heart starts to beat so fast. So fast, that I could almost hear it! How could that be? It's been years we haven't spoken. And it's been years of hatred.

It was summer back then... He's standing infront of our house. Waiting for me to come out. But, I didn't! Why should I? What would I say? How am I suppose to act? I'm only 16. Mom will be really furious if she finds out about John. He needs to leave. Luckily, Lana, my cousin spoke to him. And in split seconds, he left. I knew what she said. We have talked about it so many times. "If he comes here, tell him I'm not home. I'm not around!" 

As I approached him, I was trying so hard not to show emotions. Eventhough, I feel shaky. He's grown so much! C'mon, what the hell?!! Stop! Stop! Inhale. Exhale. I keep on telling myself to act naturally. But, I almost choke when he grasp my arm. Silence. I don't know what to say, neither does he. What else is there to talk about? I'm not even sure why I'm here. Didn't I hate him for years?

"5 years after we graduate from College. I'll marry you! With our titles, sounds nice in our wedding invitation." Out of nowhere he gasps in the midnight sky. Shocked as I am, I didn't utter anything at all. No words to reciprocate as he's waiting for my response. Without a word, he pull me back in his arms. His embrace is so warm. I could almost die... Such a perfect night for a teenage dream. I wish this moment will last forever.

I shook my head. I didn't hear him at all. When I stare back at him, REALITY strikes! "You have no idea what I've been through. You didn't realize what you've done to me after I heard the news. How could you do that to me? I was so young then. You mean everything to me. You were mylife. And you took that away from me?" I found myself screaming in tears.

"You left just like that. Not a word. I searched for you. I called you many times. But they said you're not coming home. In years, I've been trying to keep in touch, yet you said you're happily married. What am I suppose to do? You kept on pushing me away." John spoke softly and gently. 

That's my cue. I stood up from where I sat down, and aggressively wiped my tears. "At least now, we have a closure. I just wanted to understand. I already got my answer. I'll go back to my world, and go back to yours."

They said young love is sweet love. But for me, I guess it's not. Just when I thought, all wounds have been healed by time. There was I, painfully recalled all the heartaches I felt more than a decade ago. It's time for me to let go... Let go of all the broken dreams and promises. 

They say love knows no boundaries. I say it really has. Two people can be together without being inlove - for the sake of emotional security and financial stability. And there goes two people who deeply love each other, but can't be together because of the boundaries set by the norms of society. 

But I'd say Love never ends. It isn't selfish! Not rude. It does not insist in its own way. It rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things and endure all things... Love still exists EVEN ONLY FROM A DISTANCE...

To My Readers - I apologize for the lapses in my writing. This is my first attempt in so many years to come up with a short story. Practice makes perfect. Who knows? In my next entry, it's gonna be superb!!! Share what you think! I'll be glad to hear your comments. --- itsmeellezyh