Dilemma

"Happy Birthday! I love you... And, you know that! I never meant to hurt you. You're still my love, my soul, my life... my all!"

I still love him. But, I don't want to be hurt anymore. I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to believe him anymore. I don't want to believe his lies anymore. I can no longer trust him. Yet, he's still i think of... Him and my baby! 

"Love exist no more... I am deeply inlove with you! I know that you cannot give me what i seek and I'm ready to accept the truth if you'd just tell me... All I ever wanted is to be with you. Earn your trust and your love. If you still can't see that I'm trying very hard, I'm sorry for the space is too limited for us. But, there's hope..."

He came along unexpectedly. He was cheering me up when I'm down. He's my confidant. He listened with all ears to all my burdens and sentiments. He's confusing me...

Unexpected happiness

It's my birthday... And, i'm sad! I felt that everybody around me is so insensitive about the way i feel. I don't think they care. I don't think they value me as a friend, not even as a person. To be fair enough, they greeted me a happy birthday. Some sent me a text message. But still, I feel so down! I never showed it. There's this emptiness inside of me.

The clock is running. I received a message from Kwinnie. She's with Bo over at Rockwell. They want me to go home so we can eat lunch together. I finished the QA report as quick as i could. Still empty... Still lonely!

I'm very much surprise when i arrived at the mansion. So sweet! They bought me a cake from Rustan's. I cried my heart out. There.. it hit me right on spot! They really care... I was very overwhelmed! And, i cried... Tears of joy! Tears of overwhelming feeling! Tears of longing! I know, i'm still lucky to have my friends with me... I should cheer up! They just did!

The celebration did not stop there. At midnight, Bo and I went to Kalayaan to buy San Mig Light. We also bought isaw and pork barbeque. It was fun! I'm still lucky because i have them... I'm not empty! I still have them.

Damn Liar

Damn! I woke up with a text message from ex. I never replied on all of his messages for the past few days neither call him back. What's new?! He's denying! I'm so fed up with all of his excuses. We had a fight and i even asked for my freedom.

I will never be deceived again...

This is a very nice birthday present! Yep! Again, i cried. I'm still mourning. But, this should be the last.

Realization

Just had my 10 step coaching method demonstration. It was a rush! I did not expect it will be part of audit of Quality Assurance Department. Ah well, it felt good! I got a positive feedback from Mike Hoff and Bess Lim.

Recognition is something that you would have to earn. I guess, hard work pays off. So, I hafta focus! I'm losing out of track for the past few days. I'm still sad because of kermit. But, I'm taking everything positively. Maybe, we're not really meant for each other. Maybe, I'll find my man soon.. Who knows?! Just gotta concentrate on my job! I'm enjoying it! At least, i'm free!

"What you need is courage! Courage to accept the truth lies behind you so that you can see what lies ahead of you. Courage to face what is instore for you... You have lost the most expensive treasures in your life. But there are some jewelries left behind.. your friends! your job! Things that are valuable and rare! The freedom that you will experience is gonna make the pain subside. But later on, you will realize how sad and lonely to be alone. So, forgive and forget then move on..."

I was hoping... I'm hoping... I'll still hope...

another utopia

"I know you will feel bad that's why i chose to be alone. Now that you see and feel my point... Let me be the air you breathe..."

It was never what it seemed to be. I'm tormented... broken into pieces. Yet, I felt the glory. It is a battle i have to face, alone! And, I'm ready!

"What i saw in you was the real you and that blew me away. A woman who has great potentials. A woman who believes in her dreams. And, a woman who is fighting for love.."

Better than i hoped for.. better than expected! It's lying beneath the roseline. I'm still smiling... i'm still moving on! I'll find love someday.. May he find me soon!

Vampire Banshee

I almost cry my heart out after reading Kwinny's entry. I never expected it! So, here's what she wrote for me.

Yes, life is so unfair. We may have our ups and downs. It takes so much pains to appreciate glory. It takes so much tears to appreciate laughter. It takes so much burdens to get into paradise. It takes so much betrayal to trust and open one's heart again. It takes so much hatred to appreciate love.

Darkness can not take out darkness. Only light can do that. Hate can not take out hate. Only love can. 

From my inner sanctity, thank you so much Kwiny, Bo, Sarah & Maya. Life sucks! But knowing you guys are there.. life is a little bit easier to handle.

More than hatred

I hate you... I despise you... I abhor you...

He is my life. He never changed. I never want to see him, never again. I don't want to be with him, never again. He's such a damn liar! All of his sweet lies. All of his pretentions!

I will never be deceived... never again! Gotta face this alone..

Let me drown in quagmire. Let me die in pain!

In the absence of sound

Afraid! Confused and rattled. What can he say?

He said, it's the fear!!

He never said a word. Never he denied nor confirmed.

Long pause... could be for a lifetime.

Without a word, he slowly approached me . We spoke in silence.

Like this...

if anyone asks you how the perfect satisfaction of all our sexual wanting would look, lift your face and say, like this...

when someone mentions the greatness ot the rightsky, climb up on the roof and dance and say, like this...

if anyone wants to know what 'spirit' means, or what 'God's fragrance' means, lean your face toward him or her, keep your face close.. like this..

when someone quotes the old poetic image about clouds gradually uncovering the moon, slowly loosen knot by knot the strings of your robe. like this..

if anyone wonders how Jesus raised the dead, don't try to explain the miracle...kiss me on the lips... like this.. like this...

if someone asks how tall i am. frown and measure with your fingers the space between the creases on your forehead.. this tall! the soul sometimes leaves the body, then returns.

when someone doesn't believe that, walk back into my house... like this..

i am a sky where spirits live. stare into the deeping blue, while the breeze says a secret.. like this...

when someone asks what there is to do, light the candle in his hand... like this..

when lovers moan, they're telling our story. like this...

when someone asks what it means to die for LOVE, point here in my heart.. like this.. it died, like this.....

- Aian's piece -

Reflection

Pause. It was never what it seemed to be. I see myself in all possibilities. Awkward! Yet, i embraced it all. It was such a sweetful graze wherein it started out with a sweet jazz. Mellow music that seranades my soul. Then, there it goes. Across the moonlit and glass window pane, there he was. Heaven!

I opened my eyes, is it a dream?

I'm swaying, i'm searching... One lost soul! One lost love! A lost dream! Yet, i'm in paradise. He's with me in a sweet fantasy! Illusion can never be real!

Reality strikes!!! I know I have to wake up from long sleep. For only in my dreams, i won't be diagnosed by my own pill... It will never be the same!

Stolen Moments

Am I being paranoid? Are they watching all of my actions. This is very unbecoming.

Yet, I'm not in control. Can no longer think anymore?

Upwards. Inside. 2souls. Then, the clock stopped. It was just 3 seconds of sweetness graze. Seized.

Rhythm came in just right in time. I never asked for love. I'm taking my pill now. I'm getting too addicted to it. Felt the pain, felt the glory, felt the rhythm, felt it all just when i least expect it.

Sweet bliss

He was with me in paradise. We explore the beauty and silence of it. Nurtured each moment as if it was the last. Forget about tomorrows. For it would spoil the instant. we flew away. Only the serenity and beauty of completeness captivated our souls. Discovered how it tucked away in the shadows of the trees, then rediscovered on the smile of flower as the sun penetrated its petals... In the rhythm of the leaves falling upon the stream... In the freedom of the robin as he flew searching.. There we are... Perfect rhythm witnessed by the Roseline...

"It rained. I saw his face through the clouded window pane. It seemed he was crying but it was just the rain falling down the window. I heard his laughter but it was only the thunder repeating itself. I thought, I heard him talking to me, but it was only the branches rubbing against the glass."

On his thoughts

Now it's working...

"We will stand thread bare. And, I will see you in your place, as we can not

measure the inevitable see nor the space between us, I will wait!

We have borders to cross..."

And, I'll have my piece... Just right in time.

Moment of inertia

"There are things left uspoken. Silence makes you contemplate,

confusion gives excitement and thrill becomes sweeter. Amidst all these, truth remains..."

He went to citibank around 8:30pm just to see me before his shift. We only had 2 hrs of sleep after exchanging text messages til almost 5pm. We had a casual talk. Nothing mushy. Nothing passionate. But, i can feel that "something". Just need to have it for the right time.

Rattling stage

Never wanted to complicate things. I'm just waiting for the right time. Maybe, he thought I'm just bluffing. I messed it all up. So, i told him forget what i said. It won't matter to him anyway. He said it matters. I wish he could read my mind and i could do the same. But, he can't, so am i.

Hovering

I know there's something... I need to know what he really thinks. He gave me all the signs. It's been awhile.. Now is the right moment to know. And, I'm right! I caught him off-guard. Well, it's better to regret things that you tried instead of regretting asking yourself "what if?"

He said looking good is an understatement. I look hot! So, there! Gotcha! Ah well, that was exactly the purpose. But he didn't know anything. He kept on asking. I kept on responding figuratively. Let him think for now... Let him read my mind. That's how it will bring him throb.

Broken-winded

I woke up at 4:30 am. I have nothing to do in our orange house. So, i decided to go to the office even if it's my off. I checked my email. I knew it! He sent me an email.

"His words.. undying words..sweet words... lies! lies!"

Told myself gotta stop! It's easier said than done. I know, i'll get over it. I'd never indulge myself.. never again! Venom was never a sweet jazz. It was more of a potion... deceiving! alluring! misleading! deluding! desirable yet habitual!

In the absence of pleasure... there's tranquil.

Stalker??!!

Just got an anonymous message.. ah well, i think, someone's fooling around

or playing jokes on me. I'm not affected... He's just a fan! hahahahaha...

I miss him. I miss him. Damn!

Maybe, he's the one who sent that message! (Asa ka pa, Ice!) Now I'm thinking!

Definitely, I'll rejoice if it's really him.

"Miss you! Miss me?" I'm still puzzled.

Getting to my nerves

Good thing i wasn't able to see that asshole. He's such a silly creature! Dumb ass! Hornbutt!! eeewww... I really hate his guts! I can describe him in one word - "Moron!" It's freaking me out! Eeeerrrrr...

Oh wait.. actually, I can say a lot of things about him...

Liar. Stupid. Asshole. Dumb. Fool. Stubborn. Wretched. Imbecile. Bastard. Shitface. Bullfrog. Irresponsible. Offensive. Jerk. Obtuse. Senseless. Torpid. Dull. Crass. Vexatious, Exasperating. Brutish. Unreasonable. Hick. Insensible. Slugish.

...and it all boils down

"He's obsolete... Nonsense!"

Finally, i vent it out...

Drowned

Once again, I'm drowned...

It was never love.

It was something that i anticipated,

Stupidity!

How can i escape?

He's feeding me

with the sweetness of his venom?

I never refused...

It was an instinct!

Did it make me happy?

Apparently, yes!

Did i regret?

Initially, no!

Again, it was passion!

I knew for a fact,

it was a big mistake!

yet, I embraced it all once again...

Am i selfish?

I guess so...

he was never my life,

though, it was the venom

i longed for...

"See you in a couple of days!"

Again, i'm strayed! I'm totally drowned.. Do i have plans of stopping? I don't have the will to do so...