Grief doesn't come with a manual, and it's not about neatly packaging messy emotions.
It's a highly individual response to loss, and these stages serve as a framework to understand and identify what you might be feeling. They don't follow a linear timeline, and not everyone experiences all of them or in a specific order.
This initial stage helps us cope with overwhelming loss. We might feel numb, wondering how to move forward. It's a natural response that paces our grief, allowing us to absorb only what we can handle.
As you come to terms with the reality of the loss and begin to question it, you unknowingly initiate the healing process. Your inner strength grows, and the veil of denial starts to lift. However, as you move forward, all the emotions you once suppressed gradually resurface.
Grief often masks itself as anger. We're more accustomed to managing anger, but underneath it lie many other emotions. Anger can be directed at various targets, even at God. It's a bridge, connecting us to our emotions and offering some structure amid the chaos of loss.
Beneath anger lies your pain, a natural response to feeling deserted and abandoned. Unfortunately, our society often discourages the expression of anger. However, anger can also be a source of strength, offering a temporary anchor amidst the void of loss. Initially, grief may feel like being adrift at sea, disconnected from everything.
Beneath anger lies your pain, a natural response to feeling deserted and abandoned. Unfortunately, our society often discourages the expression of anger. However, anger can also be a source of strength, offering a temporary anchor amidst the void of loss. Initially, grief may feel like being adrift at sea, disconnected from everything.
But then, anger may be directed at someone—perhaps someone who didn't attend the funeral, someone absent, or someone who has changed since your loved one's passing. This anger becomes a framework, a link connecting you to them. It provides something to grasp onto, and even an anger-forged connection feels better than utter emptiness. Typically, we're more accustomed to suppressing anger than embracing it, but this anger is a testament to the depth of your love.
Bargaining
Depression
Before a loss, we might make deals with the universe, hoping to prevent it. Afterward, we find ourselves lost in a maze of "If only..." and "What if..." scenarios. Guilt often accompanies bargaining, as we blame ourselves for not doing more. We may even try to bargain with the pain itself.
We find ourselves entangled in a labyrinth of "If only..." and "What if..." scenarios. We long for life to return to its former state, to have our loved one back. We yearn to rewind time: discover the illness earlier, prevent the accident—if only, if only, if only. Guilt often accompanies these bargaining thoughts. The "if onlys" lead us to scrutinize ourselves, pondering what we could have done differently.
In our desperation to evade the pain of loss, we dwell in the past, attempting to negotiate a way out of the heartache. People often perceive these stages as lasting weeks or months, yet they forget that they are responses to fleeting feelings, moments that can stretch from minutes to hours as we oscillate between them. These stages aren't experienced in a linear progression; we may cycle through one, then another, and even return to the initial stage as we navigate our grief journey.
This stage delves deeper into the present, bringing emptiness and sadness. It's a profound sadness that may feel endless. It's essential to understand that depression in grief is not a sign of mental illness but a natural response to significant loss.
During this phase, we may withdraw from life, enveloped in a dense cloud of profound sadness. We may question the purpose of carrying on alone, wondering why we should go on at all. Unfortunately, depression following a loss is often misconstrued as unnatural, something to be fixed or shaken off. It's essential to begin by considering whether the circumstances genuinely warrant a depressive response.
The loss of a loved one is, in itself, an inherently saddening situation, and depression serves as a normal and appropriate reaction. In fact, not experiencing depression after the death of a loved one would be an uncommon response. When the full weight of the loss settles in our souls, and we come to terms with the fact that our loved one won't recover and won't return, it's only natural to experience this level of depression. If grief is a path toward healing, then depression is a vital step along that journey.
Often misunderstood, acceptance doesn't mean being okay with the loss. It's about acknowledging that our loved one is gone, and this new reality is permanent. We'll never like it or make it okay, but we learn to live with it. It's the recognition that life has changed irreversibly.
Finding acceptance may be just having more good days than bad ones. As we begin to live again and enjoy our life, we often feel that in doing so, we are betraying our loved one. We can never replace what has been lost, but we can make new connections, new meaningful relationships, new inter-dependencies. Instead of denying our feelings, we listen to our needs; we move, we change, we grow, we evolve. We may start to reach out to others and become involved in their lives. We invest in our friendships and in our relationship with ourselves. We begin to live again, but we cannot do so until we have given grief its time.
Get help. You will be better. Even if believing it seems impossible right now—just trust that it's true. Experiencing pain following a loss is a perfectly normal aspect of our humanity. It reaffirms our existence. However, we must not halt our lives. Instead, we must grow stronger while preserving our capacity to feel, all in the pursuit of eventual healing, love, and happiness.
One remarkable way to aid our healing process and transform tragedy into something positive is by assisting others who are navigating experiences we've endured. You will survive. You heal.
