So Damn High

"I never stopped thinking of you.. your memories never failed to hunt me even in my dreams.. I tried to resist but there's a force wanting me to think of you more & more each day.. Though, I don't need "E" or cocaine, you're too good enough to drive me insane.. No matter how it gets me high, you're the only one who makes me fly..no way out, cant get through.. I'm so DAMN ADDICTED TO YOU..."

Why did you hurt me so bad? Why am I still thinking of you? I should be fine now... But I know, am still NOT, and Lord knows if I will ever be...

Bed ridden

I hate it when I'm sick.. Imagine my life's like a hell in bed since Saturday noon... I didn't eat anything for the past few days (just soup)... duh?! I really hate medicines! (but of course, I was left w/ no choice but to intake 'em or else.. might caught me sleeping forever..) 

I didn't crave for anything to eat until last night... trying to get my strength back... yes doc! I'll start to drink my vitamins! hmp! I'd even bring my umbrella so i've got protection when it rains.. but pls.. I can't stop smoking.. peace!

Torn

Again.. I'm shattered into pieces.. Once again life twirls down hill...

You know what I hate about? 

It's being confused not knowing what to do running around in circles until you get dizzy and fall... 

Might be caught up.. 

Might be down dead! 

Might stray me into infidelity.. 

Is that what the rock bottom of life is....?


It's killing me once again.. though, I would want to anguish it... I'm still wanting the pain.

The misery I felt years ago. 

Why I'm still feeling the pain? 

Why I'm still longing? 

I'm totally disturbed!!! 

I hope, in chaos.. I may find peace.. 

In the darkness, I may find the light.. 

Hatred? May this lead me back to love... 

Will this lead me back to you?

You were my life.. And, you took it away from me.

When confusion strikes

This is the one of the most challenging

day of my life

caught in amidst of confusion

 I was seeking for the light...

Will I ever make it through?

Journal Entry '98: My Reflection

I am wondering how, where,

and when it all started.

I found myself questioning the essence of my existence.

Born in this undying cycle of life...

Why am I breathing?

Where am I going?

I saw darkness... where does it lead me?

I saw myself, it's vagueness!

A reflection of a lady.

An image who's still uncertain of reality...

Then, a flashback...

A child... sweet lil girl,

smiling and laughing...

Later on, 

tears fell down on the eyes of the child.

Tears of loneliness, tears of getting hurt.

In the eyes of the child,

I saw the real innocence.

The indescribable motive when she cried.

Suddenly... light comes!

Back to my own reflection in the mirror.

I closed my eyes.

Smiled when I opened them,

If only I can still be a child.

- Oct '98

Journal Entry '98: Vulnerable

I have eyes to see the reality

Yet I'm blind to accept it.

I have hands to touch 

and feel the warmth,

Yet I'm paralyse to reach.

I have a mind to contemplate enough,

Yet it's blocked by a stronger force.

I have a heart to know the beating sound,

Yet it's louder than my scream..

I found myself, empty!

I found it meaningless... absurd!

Why you're so mean?

- Sep '98

Journal Entry '98: Spell

Mark this day for you will not be remembered as love.
For you who never paid much attention to all my sufferings,
For you who never cared enough about the sadness you brought me,
For you who never dare to know who really am or what do I feel,
For you who never look deep inside of me..
You are now bound by a curse... a spell!


Mark this day for things will soon reverse...
Until then, I'll just look back at you with an idiot smile...

- Sep '98