100 Truths

WHAT WAS YOUR: 
1. last beverage > Water
2. last phone call> Ella 
3. last text message > Ryan
4. last song you listened to > I Choose You by Mario 
5. last time you cried > Months ago


HAVE YOU EVER: 
6. dated someone twice > Yes
7. been cheated on > Yes
8. kissed someone & regretted it > No
9. lost someone special > Yes. It's been a decade  now.
10. been depressed > Yes, most of the times.
11. been drunk and threw up > Been drunk, yes! Threw up? Not these days...


LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS: 
12. Pink
13. Powder blue
14. Light green


THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (2012) 
15. Made a new friend > Yes
16. Fallen out of love > YES
17. Laughed until you cried > No.
18. Met someone who changed you > I think so... 
19. Found out who your true friends were > Definitely.
20. Found out someone was talking about you > What's new? Haters are everywhere.
21. Kissed anyone on your friend's list > Yes.
22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life > Everyone
23. How many kids do you want to have > 1 boy and 1 girl
24. Do you have any pets > No, I'm not a pet lover.
25. Do you want to change your name > Yes, in my next life I want it to be...
26. What did you do for your last birthday > Cried.
27. What time did you wake up today > Past 1pm. Late for work.
28. What were you doing at midnight last night > On the phone and chatting with Niji from evening til morning. Ayieeeeee
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for > Liars to change. Haters to be good or nice to me.
30. Do you have plants > None 
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life? > To rewind, pause, fast forward.
32. What are you listening to right now? > I choose you by Mario
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom? > No, I don't have a friend by that name as I can remember.
34. What's getting on your nerves right now? > Nothing. I let go of all the things that will make me mad. Laughter is the best medicine.
35. Most visited webpage > Facebook, Paypal, Company system tools
36. What's your real name> SECRET
37. Nicknames? > Kitty way back highschool. ICE in College.
38. Relationship Status > Happily committed
39. Zodiac sign > Pisces
40. Male or female > Female
41. Elementary > NCMLC
42. Middle School > N/A 
43. High school > NCMLC
44. Hair colour? > Medium Copper brown cellophane
45. Long or short? > Long
46. Height? > 5'4
47. Do you have a crush on someone? > So highschool question.
48: What do you like about yourself? > I'm SIMPLY ME. I easily forgive. I easily forget esp if non-sense.
49. Piercing? > No plans.
50. Tattoos? > I'd love to
51. Righty or lefty? > Righty


FIRSTS : 
52. First surgery > A decade ago CS section
53. First piercing > None
54. First best friend > Queenie
55. First sport you joined > No sports at all
56. First vacation > Can't remember. But if out of the country, it's in HK.
58. First pair of trainers > ???


RIGHT NOW 
59. Eating > Just had dinner
60. Drinking > Not as of the moment
61. I'm about to > Issue bonus OT adjustments. 
62. Listening to > Old Friend - Early Rise
63. Waiting on > To get sleepy


YOUR FUTURE : 
64. Want kids? > Of course
65. Get Married > It's complicated
66. Career? > Happy with my career so far.


WHICH IS BETTER : 
67. Lips or eyes > Both
68. Hugs or kisses > Both
69. Shorter or taller > Taller
70. Older or Younger > Same age
71. Romantic or spontaneous > Both
72. Nice butt or nice legs > Nice butt, hahaha
73. Sensitive or loud > Sensitive
74. Hook-up or relationship > Of course, relationship.
75. Trouble maker or hesitant > Hesitant


HAVE YOU EVER : 
76. Kissed a stranger > Hell, no!!!
77. Drank hard liquor > Yes, way way back.
78. Lost glasses/contacts > Yes
79. Sex on first date > NO!!!
80. Broken someone's heart > YES!!!
81. Had your own heart broken > Yes. 
82. Been arrested > No.
83. Turned someone down > Yes, many times.
84. Cried when someone died > Yes. :( 
85. Fallen for a friend? > Yes.


DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 
86. Yourself > Of course, Yes!
87. Miracles > Maybe.
88. Love at first sight > It's crazy. This do not happen. 

89. Heaven >  Yes.
90. Santa Claus > No.
91. Kiss on the first date > Yes.
92. Angels > Yes.


ANSWER TRUTHFULLY: 
94. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time > Does fling count? 
95. Did you sing today? > Yes.. I sing all the time.
96. Ever cheated on somebody? > oh-oh....huhuhu.... 
97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go? > 10 yrs.
98. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it > March.
99. Are you afraid of falling in love? > I believe I can handle. 
100. Posting this as 100 truths? > Yes definitely!

Yesterday, I Cried

Yesterday, I cried.

I came home, went straight to my room, sat on the edge of my bed, kicked off my shoes, unhooked my bra, and I had myself a good cry.

I'm telling you, I cried until my nose was running all over the silk blouse I got on sale.

I cried until my ears were hot.

I cried until my head was hurting so bad that I could hardly see the pile of soiled tissues lying on the floor at my feet.

I want you to understand, I had myself a really good cry yesterday.

Yesterday, I cried, for all the days that I was too busy, or too tired, or too mad to cry.

I cried for all the days, all the ways, and all the times I had dishonored, disrespected, and disconnected myself from myself, only to have it reflected back to me in the ways others did to me the same things I had already done to myself.

I cried for all the things, I had given, only to have them stolen; for all the things I had asked for that had yet to show up; for all the things I had accomplished, only to give them away, to people in circumstances, which left me feeling empty, and battered and plain old used.

I cried because there were really does come a time when the only thing left for you to do is cry.

Yesterday, I cried.

I cried because little boys get left by their daddies; and little girls get forgotten by their mommies; and daddies don't know what to do, so they leave; and mommies get left, si they get mad.

Yesterday, I cried.

I cried because I hurt. I cried because I was hurt.

I cried because hurt has no place to go except deeper into the pain that caused in the first place, and when it gets there, the hurt wakes you up.

I cried because it was too late. I cried because it was time.

I cried because my soul knew that I didn't know that my soul knew everything I needed to know.

I cried soulful yesterday, and it felt so good.

It felt so very, very bad.

In the midst of my crying, I felt freedom coming,

Because

Yesterday, I cried with an agenda.

Love, Love, Love Hater!!!

Dear Hater, 


How is it that you constantly talk about my flaws non-stop? You try to judge every aspect about me. You monitor my bad habits, and take note of my irregular tendencies.. You blatantly discuss my attitude, scrupulously insult my intelligence and undeniably watch out my every move. You analyze my life - every aspect of it! Put meaning to every blog entry I post. Please... everything is not about "someone else". You know what you failed to realize? It's knowing that you're naive to the fact that You Wanna Be Exactly Like Me! 


Okay, how about you just say you're envious.. Don't lie... Denial is a form of weakness. Infact I admire your diligence checking up on my posts daily where you obtain all the information about me - my thoughts perhaps. I am misunderstood from every perception. I don't debate on my past, or who I will be tomorrow, or play heads heads or tails. This is Who I Am, Who I've Been, and Who I Will Always Be. There's no front. I'm not perfect, Never Have Been, and Never Will Be. I fuck up and accept my imperfections and bounce back. So, while you pointlessly waste your insignificant time hating me.. At the same time you're doin' a great job motivating me. 


Sincerely, 
Me, Myself & I 


P.S. Two Thumbs Up To All My Haters 

After much pondering, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s because haters secretly love me. There is NO OTHER possible explanation as to why they would hunt me down in such a way AND take the time to read my blog AND take the time to comment on it.  So shocks, I’ll take it as a compliment. I'm so flattered!!!

Peace be with you all!!! Keep up the good work! Again, it motivates me. 

An Open Prayer

On this day in your life, remember this: a decision remains a mere wish until you take that first irreversible step. You might convince yourself that you've already made up your mind, that nothing can deter you, but what happens when taking that step forward feels riskier than taking a step back? 

It's during these moments that you need to stay committed to your path, especially when the going gets tough. Sometimes, the right thing to do is to embrace that irreversible step, the one after which there's no turning back. And right now, it's one of those times.

With these thoughts, I offer a heartfelt prayer:

For My Family: May they walk alongside me in this journey with minimal hardships, for they bear no responsibility for the circumstances that brought us here. They are the reason I strive to better myself, to provide a brighter future for them. God, guide me with unwavering peace and understanding on this path.

For My Haters: I've learned to pray for my adversaries. Not for how they've wronged me, but for their lives, their families, and the challenges they face. I prayed with sincerity, not because I am inherently good, but because God is good, holy, and righteous, and I love Him.

Today, I still wrestle with inner turmoil. Today, I'm reminded that my actions speak louder than my words, teaching those around me what I truly believe. Today, I grapple with that lingering sense of loneliness in the depths of my being. Today, I acknowledge I have much to learn and transform, much in need of the redemptive touch of a Mighty God.

Yet today, I continue to surrender to the One who is a sanctuary. The One who sees the ultimate outcome, no matter how challenging it may be for me, the One I trust wholeheartedly. Today, I persist in praying for my adversaries, as fervently as I know how, recalling the words of Matthew 5:44: "Love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you."

For Me, Myself & I: Strengthen my trust in You, Lord. Enable me to trust myself as I place my trust in You. When things don't unfold as I expect and my efforts seem fruitless, grant me the resilience to persevere with hope, even in the face of past failures. Help me trust in myself as I trust in You, drawing upon Your strength within me to persist and give my best.

Guide me away from doubt and frustration when I falter in discerning and acting in my best interest. Free me from the burden of judging the righteousness of Your plan in my life. Teach me to admit that I don't always know what's best for myself. You've promised to make my crooked paths straight if I place my trust in You in all my ways. Allow me to rely not just on Your promise, but also on the righteousness of trusting in You.

Show me how to embody Your desire for mercy over perfection in my life. Lead me to place my hope in You by trusting in the rightness and goodness of whatever You guide me to do.

Help me celebrate You, not only in the heavens or among the nations, but also within the narrative of my life. Enable me to trust myself as I trust in You, so that I may let go of self-doubt and walk by faith rather than by sight.

Amen.

Perhaps, it's time to open my doors wide, to trust and unveil my soul. It's time to move forward with sincerity, to love and be loved once more.

Living your Dream

As a child, I've so many dreams... And as I grew up, my dreams never changed. Although, there came a point I almost lost track of what I wanted to become...

Things happened unexpectedly way back which made me decide to gave up that dream or should I say those dreams. Lately, during my me-time I realized that it's not too late to pursue 'em. It's never too late! 

I always wanted to be a lawyer. I found it very admirable to litigate. No wonder, I enjoy debate and heated arguments a lot, but of course, just those decent and civil ones. Recently, an eye-opener lead me to rekindle that dream. I'm seriously considering of going back to school. This time, pursue law proper taking up the Executive classes. Since enrollment is already over, I'd try next semester if it will fit my schedule, and finances of course.

I always wanted to travel. But given the fact my family couldn't afford my whims, it took years before I could finally travel outside the country. Of course, that's the time when I have enough to spend. I definitely work and work to spend it for travel. 

Don't get me wrong, I really love shopping! it's a therapy for me. But, travelling - it's a different feeling of satisfaction. Unexplainable. It was an ode to myself to travel every year since 2010. This year, I'm chasing Asia again...

I really admire people who speak and write different languages. My goal before the end of this year is to learn French and Japanese, if not Korean. I always have passion to learn new and acquire new things. Thanks to Podcast, this dream of mine is no longer impossible as there are readily available audiobooks for these language courses.

I never had sports when I was still young. Maybe because I focused too much in my studies and extra curricular activities (public speaking per se). So, I never had the chance to play any sports. I'll be good at least one sport by the end of this year, either badminton or target shooting. I'll still decide.. Or maybe, swimming since up to this age, I don't know how to swim. Sounds crazy, but true!

I really love music. Infact, singing is part of my everyday routine (esp when I'm bored). But, I found it odd why I no longer strum guitars, nor play piano. I learned these before. But because I didn't practice well, I ended up forgetting how-to. So with that, I'd definitely buy a guitar. Learning how-to is no longer a problem. It's going to be an easy task, with the help of my music instructor.  Yey! ☺☺☺

We may lost some of our dreams. But deep within our hearts, part of it still remains. Never stop chasing that dream! Let's enjoy life while we're young, while we're still breathing... 

Understanding the 5 Stages of Grief

Grief doesn't come with a manual, and it's not about neatly packaging messy emotions. 

It's a highly individual response to loss, and these stages serve as a framework to understand and identify what you might be feeling. They don't follow a linear timeline, and not everyone experiences all of them or in a specific order.

Denial

This initial stage helps us cope with overwhelming loss. We might feel numb, wondering how to move forward. It's a natural response that paces our grief, allowing us to absorb only what we can handle.

As you come to terms with the reality of the loss and begin to question it, you unknowingly initiate the healing process. Your inner strength grows, and the veil of denial starts to lift. However, as you move forward, all the emotions you once suppressed gradually resurface.

Anger

Grief often masks itself as anger. We're more accustomed to managing anger, but underneath it lie many other emotions. Anger can be directed at various targets, even at God. It's a bridge, connecting us to our emotions and offering some structure amid the chaos of loss.

Beneath anger lies your pain, a natural response to feeling deserted and abandoned. Unfortunately, our society often discourages the expression of anger. However, anger can also be a source of strength, offering a temporary anchor amidst the void of loss. Initially, grief may feel like being adrift at sea, disconnected from everything. 

But then, anger may be directed at someone—perhaps someone who didn't attend the funeral, someone absent, or someone who has changed since your loved one's passing. This anger becomes a framework, a link connecting you to them. It provides something to grasp onto, and even an anger-forged connection feels better than utter emptiness. Typically, we're more accustomed to suppressing anger than embracing it, but this anger is a testament to the depth of your love.

Bargaining

Before a loss, we might make deals with the universe, hoping to prevent it. Afterward, we find ourselves lost in a maze of "If only..." and "What if..." scenarios. Guilt often accompanies bargaining, as we blame ourselves for not doing more. We may even try to bargain with the pain itself.

We find ourselves entangled in a labyrinth of "If only..." and "What if..." scenarios. We long for life to return to its former state, to have our loved one back. We yearn to rewind time: discover the illness earlier, prevent the accident—if only, if only, if only. Guilt often accompanies these bargaining thoughts. The "if onlys" lead us to scrutinize ourselves, pondering what we could have done differently.

In our desperation to evade the pain of loss, we dwell in the past, attempting to negotiate a way out of the heartache. People often perceive these stages as lasting weeks or months, yet they forget that they are responses to fleeting feelings, moments that can stretch from minutes to hours as we oscillate between them. These stages aren't experienced in a linear progression; we may cycle through one, then another, and even return to the initial stage as we navigate our grief journey.

Depression

This stage delves deeper into the present, bringing emptiness and sadness. It's a profound sadness that may feel endless. It's essential to understand that depression in grief is not a sign of mental illness but a natural response to significant loss.

During this phase, we may withdraw from life, enveloped in a dense cloud of profound sadness. We may question the purpose of carrying on alone, wondering why we should go on at all. Unfortunately, depression following a loss is often misconstrued as unnatural, something to be fixed or shaken off. It's essential to begin by considering whether the circumstances genuinely warrant a depressive response.

The loss of a loved one is, in itself, an inherently saddening situation, and depression serves as a normal and appropriate reaction. In fact, not experiencing depression after the death of a loved one would be an uncommon response. When the full weight of the loss settles in our souls, and we come to terms with the fact that our loved one won't recover and won't return, it's only natural to experience this level of depression. If grief is a path toward healing, then depression is a vital step along that journey.

Acceptance

Often misunderstood, acceptance doesn't mean being okay with the loss. It's about acknowledging that our loved one is gone, and this new reality is permanent. We'll never like it or make it okay, but we learn to live with it. It's the recognition that life has changed irreversibly.

Finding acceptance may be just having more good days than bad ones. As we begin to live again and enjoy our life, we often feel that in doing so, we are betraying our loved one. We can never replace what has been lost, but we can make new connections, new meaningful relationships, new inter-dependencies. Instead of denying our feelings, we listen to our needs; we move, we change, we grow, we evolve. We may start to reach out to others and become involved in their lives. We invest in our friendships and in our relationship with ourselves. We begin to live again, but we cannot do so until we have given grief its time.


Get help.  You will be better. Even if believing it seems impossible right now—just trust that it's true. Experiencing pain following a loss is a perfectly normal aspect of our humanity. It reaffirms our existence. However, we must not halt our lives. Instead, we must grow stronger while preserving our capacity to feel, all in the pursuit of eventual healing, love, and happiness.

One remarkable way to aid our healing process and transform tragedy into something positive is by assisting others who are navigating experiences we've endured. You will survive. You heal.