moving on...

It's been awhile since the last time i made an entry. I decided to stop. Yet i know, something inside of me will cry. This is my outlet. This is me...

After almost two weeks of struggling, now, i can finally say, i'm moving on! And, i think i'm falling! Uhm! Wait! The question is... how can you really say if you're falling? Is it because he's making you smile? Is it because he's making your day just right? Is it because he's there when you're crying?

I dunno what it is that he has... But, i feel so safe. I'm so broken, yet, he's picking up all the pieces and putting it back all together. I'm so shattered, yet, i think i have so much to give.

I still think of him. And I still have feelings somehow. But, i'm really moving on! Let time heal all the pains... but i'm ready to love and trust again...

hella smoke

I'm in deep trouble. But, I don't care. I have loads of problems now. Rumors. This is not the kind of issue that i'd rather deal with. I know myself. I will never be affected. The hell I care! They all can go to hell... they'll never get anything from me. It will never destroy my credibility. I've been through a lot. I'd rather be silent. Neither i'd confirm nor deny til the hell freezes out! Less talks. Less mistakes.

Ive Got A Feeling

Ive Got A Feeling

Oh yeah
Baby, what can i do?
I've been, out searching for you.
I've got a feeling
all i need is a love thats true
Baby, what can i say?
I know, this wont go away
I've got a feeling
all i need is to see today
I've been watching the world pass by
all around me
I was letting the days go by
till you found me
Baby, what can i do?
Ive been, out searching for you
I've got a feeling
all i need is a love that's true
I've been watching the world pass by
all around me
I was letting the days go by
till you found me

Last Teardrop

Am I really happy? Am I really moving on? How come it's still killing me with pain? Don't know from which I'm grieving. Is it kermit or HIM? He's my life. He took it away from me. I don' know when will I survive! He's my hope... But, how can I hope if there's no reason to hope for? He's my heartbeat... What's the use of it if there's no reason for you to go on? I would never feel hurt this way if he didn't hurt me. I was so young then, and you broke my heart. And now I think it's still broken.

There are endless questions... I said, I hafta move on... So, it's really over and there's no turning back! I drowned myself into tears along with liquor until it put me into sleep.

When I woke up, a sillohouette.. Swaying... Again, searching... I asked myself, Am I dreaming? Am I hallucinating? Is this just one my sweetest fantasy? I closed my eyes, I seek for an answer. So, I opened my eyes. Even in blur vision, I know there he really was... Offering his soul...

I'm free

I met him 5 years ago. It was heaven! I learned so many things. We've been through ups & downs. We've shared so much together. He was my knight & shining armor... He was my shufu... He's the originator of my serenity... He was my hope... 

I loved him... I trusted him... He was my only hope to survive after that traumatic past. I thought I'd never be hurt again. Yet, this is another heartbreak.

5 years of being in love. Years that I spent waiting and hoping for the changes. I was never perfect. Though I tried to adjust, tried to meet his needs... I guess, you really can not change someone. It could only happen if there's a will.

Now, it's over! do I feel empty? No. Sad, yes! Am i still crying? Yes i do! When will i recover? That i don't know! Do i still love him? I guess but I'll never be deceived again. It's been 5 years of patience and understanding. Yes, i'm a modern martyr! Am I ready to fall in love again? Time will heal all the wounds.

Like what "sweet symphony" told me: "What you need is courage! Courage to accept the truth lies behind you so that you can see what lies ahead of you. Courage to face what is instore for you... You have lost the most expensive treasures in your life. But there are some jewelries left behind.. your friends! your job! Things that are valuable and rare! The freedom that you will experience is gonna make the pain subside. But later on, you will realize how sad and lonely to be alone. So, forgive and forget then move on..."

Yes... i hafta move, and i know i should!

Too late

I just want to blog this.

Monday

I was so excited to go to school as I'll be seeing my suitor & my secret crush, Charlie again. Burthen, the whole day he just smiled as my close guy friend, Carlo cheered me up. He didn't even talk to me, he just smiled.

Tuesday

I was thinking Charlie might approach me now as he should since he's courting me. But then, the whole day he just smiled as my close guy friend, Carlo cheered me up. He didn't even talk to he just smiled.

Wednesday

I didn't want to talk to anyone, not even Carlo who cared so much for me since I was pissed off ofCharlie. As usual the whole day he just smiled as my close guy friend, Carlo cheered me up. He didn't even talk to me, he just smiled.

Thursday

I went to school as usual. Carlo kept cheering me up. I was so pissed that I shouted at him and told him to just leave me alone. And Charlie? the whole day he just smiled. He didn't even talk to me, he just smiled. My close guy friend Carlo tried to ignore me the whole day.

Friday

I received a note with the words:"You just don't know how much I love you, I know it's impossible for you to like me, but I just want to let you know how amazing you are." Even though there's no sign from the sender or even a name, I was sure it was from Charlie. And the whole day he just smiled. He didn't even talk to me, he just smiled. My close guy friend Carlo tried to ignore me the whole day.

10 years after...

Here I am at my close friend, Carlo's wedding with Charlie as my date. I never enjoyed Charlie's company, Carlo still rocks my socks. But it was too late, he's getting married. And besides, he's too good for me. He would never love a person like me. 

Before the ceremony, Carlo went up to me and asked, "What is that paper you're holding? " 

It was the note from Charlie, 10 years ago, "Oh, the love letter from Charlie saying how much he loved me. It's been 10 years, you know." 

Then, Carlo bowed his head and tears fell from his eyes and said, "You just don't know how much I love you. I was the one who gave you that note 10 years ago. It wasn't Charlie. I wanted to tell you in person, but I was afraid you'd reject me and our friendship forever. I was too afraid to lose you." 

I started to cry. I just said, "I loved you too. All this time, it was you. But I thought that you only see me as this friend." 

Carlo whispered to me, "I'm sorry. It's too late." And he went back to his soon-to-be wife as Charlie asked me what happened. "It all ends today." And I just cried.

Love don't suck, its the person don't know how to see the real meaning of love....

whirlwind

Unexplainable. It's happening once again. Haven't recovered thru torment. Here's another venom. A pill that's killing me slowly. I'm a stupid b*tch! Never learned from my own mistakes.

I believed. I'm still believing. What's wrong with me? Am i really too vulnerable? I wanna be densed. Don't want to feel anything! A sweet symphony's feeding me with another torment i hafta go through... Another battle i hafta face with my head up. Another phase i hafta surpass... Another affliction that will lead me to grave...

"You know I want to give you everything you want. But I can't. It's broken." --THE NOTEBOOK

"I hate you so much it makes me sick. It even makes me run. I hate it...I hate the way you're always right.I hate it when you lie.I hate it when you make me laugh;Even worse when you make me cry. I hate it when you're not around, and the fact that you didn't call. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you; Not even close; Not even a little bit; Not even at all. " --10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU

Inspired

All I Ask Of You
by Phantom Of The Opera

No more talk of darkness
Forget these wide eyed fears
I'm here, nothing can harm you
My words will warm and calm you
Let me be your freedom
Let daylight dry your tears
I'm here, with you, beside you
To guard you and to guide you
Say you love me ev'ry waking moment
Turn my head with talk of summertime
Say you need me with you, now and always
Promise me that all you say is true
That's all I ask of you
Let me be your shelter
Let me be your light
You're safe, no one will find you
Your fears are far behind you
All I want is freedom
A world with no more night
And you, always beside me
To hold me and to hide me
And say you'll share with me
one love, one lifetime
Let me lead you from your solitude
Say you'll need me with you here, beside you
Anywhere you go, let me go too
Christine, thats all i ask of you
Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime
Say the word and I will follow you
Share each day with me, each night, each morning
Say you love me
(You know I do)
Love me
That's all I ask of you
Anywhere you go, let me go too
Love me
That's all I ask of you
Phantom:
I gave you my music
Made your song take way
And now
How you've repayed me
Denied me and betrayed me
He was born to love her
And wed someday soon
*speak*:Christine
*sing*:You will curse the day you did not do
All that the phantom asked of you!

Mixed emotions

A lady wearing pink shirt and jeans. Murdered with 22 stabs. Swimming in her own blood. Lying upon 8th flr TQA area. It's Dickie's nightmare. That lady was me. It was so creepy! It gave me goosebumps. But, i'm still alive. Maybe, it's a premonition or something. *knock*knock* Gotta beware!

Once again, i feel the pain... I'm shaking! I wanna tremble down into tears! There's nothing to hold back. Nothing to reconcile! I guess, he already let go...

I'll do my best to get up again. I lost my focus for the past few days. Have so many preoccupations. I need to move on. Gotta face a new life ahead of me. Should i welcome a new beginning?

"Love is what i'm offering to you with all honesty and sincerity. I really want you to be mine. And, you know that by heart! I'm not confused about my feelings about you. I already told you the truth. I love you so much that i'm willing to give up anything just to have you..."

Is it really the right time to move on? Let time heal the wounds... Let my tears just run dry. Let the pain subside... For only then i'd know if i can...