One beautiful day

TOday is a beautiful day.

I sat by the creek and contemplated.

I missed the things we do, but somehow it didn't matter.

The serenity and beauty of my feelings and surroundings completely captivated me.

I thought of you...

I discovered you tucked away in the shadows of the trees, then rediscovered you in the smiles of the flower as the sun penetrated the petals.

...in the rhythm of the leaves falling upon the stream.

...in the freedom of the robin as he flew searching as you do.

I'm very happy you have found me.

Now, i will never leave you.

For you will always find me in the beauty of life...

Good thoughts... good karma!

Yeah! I've been suffering chronic depression for the past 2 months. But still, i'm alive and kicking! I need to prove them wrong. Can't just runaway without facing my own battle.

It won't make me less as a person if i'd just antagonize the carnivorous mammal. At first, it was really frustrating! Imagine living your life... Trying to get up after such a nightmare, then there they are mocking at you without knowing the reasons at all. I'M SENSITIVE enough to feel there's something wrong. But hell! How would i know what lies behind?

Am i mad? No, just obsolete! Things happened with reasons... Reasons that "could be" justified. Justification prevails through communication. Communication is a two-way process, there should be a sender and a receiver. Now think!

moving on...

It's been awhile since the last time i made an entry. I decided to stop. Yet i know, something inside of me will cry. This is my outlet. This is me...

After almost two weeks of struggling, now, i can finally say, i'm moving on! And, i think i'm falling! Uhm! Wait! The question is... how can you really say if you're falling? Is it because he's making you smile? Is it because he's making your day just right? Is it because he's there when you're crying?

I dunno what it is that he has... But, i feel so safe. I'm so broken, yet, he's picking up all the pieces and putting it back all together. I'm so shattered, yet, i think i have so much to give.

I still think of him. And I still have feelings somehow. But, i'm really moving on! Let time heal all the pains... but i'm ready to love and trust again...

hella smoke

I'm in deep trouble. But, I don't care. I have loads of problems now. Rumors. This is not the kind of issue that i'd rather deal with. I know myself. I will never be affected. The hell I care! They all can go to hell... they'll never get anything from me. It will never destroy my credibility. I've been through a lot. I'd rather be silent. Neither i'd confirm nor deny til the hell freezes out! Less talks. Less mistakes.

Ive Got A Feeling

Ive Got A Feeling

Oh yeah
Baby, what can i do?
I've been, out searching for you.
I've got a feeling
all i need is a love thats true
Baby, what can i say?
I know, this wont go away
I've got a feeling
all i need is to see today
I've been watching the world pass by
all around me
I was letting the days go by
till you found me
Baby, what can i do?
Ive been, out searching for you
I've got a feeling
all i need is a love that's true
I've been watching the world pass by
all around me
I was letting the days go by
till you found me

Last Teardrop

Am I really happy? Am I really moving on? How come it's still killing me with pain? Don't know from which I'm grieving. Is it kermit or HIM? He's my life. He took it away from me. I don' know when will I survive! He's my hope... But, how can I hope if there's no reason to hope for? He's my heartbeat... What's the use of it if there's no reason for you to go on? I would never feel hurt this way if he didn't hurt me. I was so young then, and you broke my heart. And now I think it's still broken.

There are endless questions... I said, I hafta move on... So, it's really over and there's no turning back! I drowned myself into tears along with liquor until it put me into sleep.

When I woke up, a sillohouette.. Swaying... Again, searching... I asked myself, Am I dreaming? Am I hallucinating? Is this just one my sweetest fantasy? I closed my eyes, I seek for an answer. So, I opened my eyes. Even in blur vision, I know there he really was... Offering his soul...

I'm free

I met him 5 years ago. It was heaven! I learned so many things. We've been through ups & downs. We've shared so much together. He was my knight & shining armor... He was my shufu... He's the originator of my serenity... He was my hope... 

I loved him... I trusted him... He was my only hope to survive after that traumatic past. I thought I'd never be hurt again. Yet, this is another heartbreak.

5 years of being in love. Years that I spent waiting and hoping for the changes. I was never perfect. Though I tried to adjust, tried to meet his needs... I guess, you really can not change someone. It could only happen if there's a will.

Now, it's over! do I feel empty? No. Sad, yes! Am i still crying? Yes i do! When will i recover? That i don't know! Do i still love him? I guess but I'll never be deceived again. It's been 5 years of patience and understanding. Yes, i'm a modern martyr! Am I ready to fall in love again? Time will heal all the wounds.

Like what "sweet symphony" told me: "What you need is courage! Courage to accept the truth lies behind you so that you can see what lies ahead of you. Courage to face what is instore for you... You have lost the most expensive treasures in your life. But there are some jewelries left behind.. your friends! your job! Things that are valuable and rare! The freedom that you will experience is gonna make the pain subside. But later on, you will realize how sad and lonely to be alone. So, forgive and forget then move on..."

Yes... i hafta move, and i know i should!

Too late

I just want to blog this.

Monday

I was so excited to go to school as I'll be seeing my suitor & my secret crush, Charlie again. Burthen, the whole day he just smiled as my close guy friend, Carlo cheered me up. He didn't even talk to me, he just smiled.

Tuesday

I was thinking Charlie might approach me now as he should since he's courting me. But then, the whole day he just smiled as my close guy friend, Carlo cheered me up. He didn't even talk to he just smiled.

Wednesday

I didn't want to talk to anyone, not even Carlo who cared so much for me since I was pissed off ofCharlie. As usual the whole day he just smiled as my close guy friend, Carlo cheered me up. He didn't even talk to me, he just smiled.

Thursday

I went to school as usual. Carlo kept cheering me up. I was so pissed that I shouted at him and told him to just leave me alone. And Charlie? the whole day he just smiled. He didn't even talk to me, he just smiled. My close guy friend Carlo tried to ignore me the whole day.

Friday

I received a note with the words:"You just don't know how much I love you, I know it's impossible for you to like me, but I just want to let you know how amazing you are." Even though there's no sign from the sender or even a name, I was sure it was from Charlie. And the whole day he just smiled. He didn't even talk to me, he just smiled. My close guy friend Carlo tried to ignore me the whole day.

10 years after...

Here I am at my close friend, Carlo's wedding with Charlie as my date. I never enjoyed Charlie's company, Carlo still rocks my socks. But it was too late, he's getting married. And besides, he's too good for me. He would never love a person like me. 

Before the ceremony, Carlo went up to me and asked, "What is that paper you're holding? " 

It was the note from Charlie, 10 years ago, "Oh, the love letter from Charlie saying how much he loved me. It's been 10 years, you know." 

Then, Carlo bowed his head and tears fell from his eyes and said, "You just don't know how much I love you. I was the one who gave you that note 10 years ago. It wasn't Charlie. I wanted to tell you in person, but I was afraid you'd reject me and our friendship forever. I was too afraid to lose you." 

I started to cry. I just said, "I loved you too. All this time, it was you. But I thought that you only see me as this friend." 

Carlo whispered to me, "I'm sorry. It's too late." And he went back to his soon-to-be wife as Charlie asked me what happened. "It all ends today." And I just cried.

Love don't suck, its the person don't know how to see the real meaning of love....

whirlwind

Unexplainable. It's happening once again. Haven't recovered thru torment. Here's another venom. A pill that's killing me slowly. I'm a stupid b*tch! Never learned from my own mistakes.

I believed. I'm still believing. What's wrong with me? Am i really too vulnerable? I wanna be densed. Don't want to feel anything! A sweet symphony's feeding me with another torment i hafta go through... Another battle i hafta face with my head up. Another phase i hafta surpass... Another affliction that will lead me to grave...

"You know I want to give you everything you want. But I can't. It's broken." --THE NOTEBOOK

"I hate you so much it makes me sick. It even makes me run. I hate it...I hate the way you're always right.I hate it when you lie.I hate it when you make me laugh;Even worse when you make me cry. I hate it when you're not around, and the fact that you didn't call. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you; Not even close; Not even a little bit; Not even at all. " --10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU

Inspired

All I Ask Of You
by Phantom Of The Opera

No more talk of darkness
Forget these wide eyed fears
I'm here, nothing can harm you
My words will warm and calm you
Let me be your freedom
Let daylight dry your tears
I'm here, with you, beside you
To guard you and to guide you
Say you love me ev'ry waking moment
Turn my head with talk of summertime
Say you need me with you, now and always
Promise me that all you say is true
That's all I ask of you
Let me be your shelter
Let me be your light
You're safe, no one will find you
Your fears are far behind you
All I want is freedom
A world with no more night
And you, always beside me
To hold me and to hide me
And say you'll share with me
one love, one lifetime
Let me lead you from your solitude
Say you'll need me with you here, beside you
Anywhere you go, let me go too
Christine, thats all i ask of you
Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime
Say the word and I will follow you
Share each day with me, each night, each morning
Say you love me
(You know I do)
Love me
That's all I ask of you
Anywhere you go, let me go too
Love me
That's all I ask of you
Phantom:
I gave you my music
Made your song take way
And now
How you've repayed me
Denied me and betrayed me
He was born to love her
And wed someday soon
*speak*:Christine
*sing*:You will curse the day you did not do
All that the phantom asked of you!

Mixed emotions

A lady wearing pink shirt and jeans. Murdered with 22 stabs. Swimming in her own blood. Lying upon 8th flr TQA area. It's Dickie's nightmare. That lady was me. It was so creepy! It gave me goosebumps. But, i'm still alive. Maybe, it's a premonition or something. *knock*knock* Gotta beware!

Once again, i feel the pain... I'm shaking! I wanna tremble down into tears! There's nothing to hold back. Nothing to reconcile! I guess, he already let go...

I'll do my best to get up again. I lost my focus for the past few days. Have so many preoccupations. I need to move on. Gotta face a new life ahead of me. Should i welcome a new beginning?

"Love is what i'm offering to you with all honesty and sincerity. I really want you to be mine. And, you know that by heart! I'm not confused about my feelings about you. I already told you the truth. I love you so much that i'm willing to give up anything just to have you..."

Is it really the right time to move on? Let time heal the wounds... Let my tears just run dry. Let the pain subside... For only then i'd know if i can...

Dilemma

"Happy Birthday! I love you... And, you know that! I never meant to hurt you. You're still my love, my soul, my life... my all!"

I still love him. But, I don't want to be hurt anymore. I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to believe him anymore. I don't want to believe his lies anymore. I can no longer trust him. Yet, he's still i think of... Him and my baby! 

"Love exist no more... I am deeply inlove with you! I know that you cannot give me what i seek and I'm ready to accept the truth if you'd just tell me... All I ever wanted is to be with you. Earn your trust and your love. If you still can't see that I'm trying very hard, I'm sorry for the space is too limited for us. But, there's hope..."

He came along unexpectedly. He was cheering me up when I'm down. He's my confidant. He listened with all ears to all my burdens and sentiments. He's confusing me...

Unexpected happiness

It's my birthday... And, i'm sad! I felt that everybody around me is so insensitive about the way i feel. I don't think they care. I don't think they value me as a friend, not even as a person. To be fair enough, they greeted me a happy birthday. Some sent me a text message. But still, I feel so down! I never showed it. There's this emptiness inside of me.

The clock is running. I received a message from Kwinnie. She's with Bo over at Rockwell. They want me to go home so we can eat lunch together. I finished the QA report as quick as i could. Still empty... Still lonely!

I'm very much surprise when i arrived at the mansion. So sweet! They bought me a cake from Rustan's. I cried my heart out. There.. it hit me right on spot! They really care... I was very overwhelmed! And, i cried... Tears of joy! Tears of overwhelming feeling! Tears of longing! I know, i'm still lucky to have my friends with me... I should cheer up! They just did!

The celebration did not stop there. At midnight, Bo and I went to Kalayaan to buy San Mig Light. We also bought isaw and pork barbeque. It was fun! I'm still lucky because i have them... I'm not empty! I still have them.

Damn Liar

Damn! I woke up with a text message from ex. I never replied on all of his messages for the past few days neither call him back. What's new?! He's denying! I'm so fed up with all of his excuses. We had a fight and i even asked for my freedom.

I will never be deceived again...

This is a very nice birthday present! Yep! Again, i cried. I'm still mourning. But, this should be the last.

Realization

Just had my 10 step coaching method demonstration. It was a rush! I did not expect it will be part of audit of Quality Assurance Department. Ah well, it felt good! I got a positive feedback from Mike Hoff and Bess Lim.

Recognition is something that you would have to earn. I guess, hard work pays off. So, I hafta focus! I'm losing out of track for the past few days. I'm still sad because of kermit. But, I'm taking everything positively. Maybe, we're not really meant for each other. Maybe, I'll find my man soon.. Who knows?! Just gotta concentrate on my job! I'm enjoying it! At least, i'm free!

"What you need is courage! Courage to accept the truth lies behind you so that you can see what lies ahead of you. Courage to face what is instore for you... You have lost the most expensive treasures in your life. But there are some jewelries left behind.. your friends! your job! Things that are valuable and rare! The freedom that you will experience is gonna make the pain subside. But later on, you will realize how sad and lonely to be alone. So, forgive and forget then move on..."

I was hoping... I'm hoping... I'll still hope...

another utopia

"I know you will feel bad that's why i chose to be alone. Now that you see and feel my point... Let me be the air you breathe..."

It was never what it seemed to be. I'm tormented... broken into pieces. Yet, I felt the glory. It is a battle i have to face, alone! And, I'm ready!

"What i saw in you was the real you and that blew me away. A woman who has great potentials. A woman who believes in her dreams. And, a woman who is fighting for love.."

Better than i hoped for.. better than expected! It's lying beneath the roseline. I'm still smiling... i'm still moving on! I'll find love someday.. May he find me soon!

Vampire Banshee

I almost cry my heart out after reading Kwinny's entry. I never expected it! So, here's what she wrote for me.

Yes, life is so unfair. We may have our ups and downs. It takes so much pains to appreciate glory. It takes so much tears to appreciate laughter. It takes so much burdens to get into paradise. It takes so much betrayal to trust and open one's heart again. It takes so much hatred to appreciate love.

Darkness can not take out darkness. Only light can do that. Hate can not take out hate. Only love can. 

From my inner sanctity, thank you so much Kwiny, Bo, Sarah & Maya. Life sucks! But knowing you guys are there.. life is a little bit easier to handle.

More than hatred

I hate you... I despise you... I abhor you...

He is my life. He never changed. I never want to see him, never again. I don't want to be with him, never again. He's such a damn liar! All of his sweet lies. All of his pretentions!

I will never be deceived... never again! Gotta face this alone..

Let me drown in quagmire. Let me die in pain!

In the absence of sound

Afraid! Confused and rattled. What can he say?

He said, it's the fear!!

He never said a word. Never he denied nor confirmed.

Long pause... could be for a lifetime.

Without a word, he slowly approached me . We spoke in silence.

Like this...

if anyone asks you how the perfect satisfaction of all our sexual wanting would look, lift your face and say, like this...

when someone mentions the greatness ot the rightsky, climb up on the roof and dance and say, like this...

if anyone wants to know what 'spirit' means, or what 'God's fragrance' means, lean your face toward him or her, keep your face close.. like this..

when someone quotes the old poetic image about clouds gradually uncovering the moon, slowly loosen knot by knot the strings of your robe. like this..

if anyone wonders how Jesus raised the dead, don't try to explain the miracle...kiss me on the lips... like this.. like this...

if someone asks how tall i am. frown and measure with your fingers the space between the creases on your forehead.. this tall! the soul sometimes leaves the body, then returns.

when someone doesn't believe that, walk back into my house... like this..

i am a sky where spirits live. stare into the deeping blue, while the breeze says a secret.. like this...

when someone asks what there is to do, light the candle in his hand... like this..

when lovers moan, they're telling our story. like this...

when someone asks what it means to die for LOVE, point here in my heart.. like this.. it died, like this.....

- Aian's piece -

Reflection

Pause. It was never what it seemed to be. I see myself in all possibilities. Awkward! Yet, i embraced it all. It was such a sweetful graze wherein it started out with a sweet jazz. Mellow music that seranades my soul. Then, there it goes. Across the moonlit and glass window pane, there he was. Heaven!

I opened my eyes, is it a dream?

I'm swaying, i'm searching... One lost soul! One lost love! A lost dream! Yet, i'm in paradise. He's with me in a sweet fantasy! Illusion can never be real!

Reality strikes!!! I know I have to wake up from long sleep. For only in my dreams, i won't be diagnosed by my own pill... It will never be the same!

Stolen Moments

Am I being paranoid? Are they watching all of my actions. This is very unbecoming.

Yet, I'm not in control. Can no longer think anymore?

Upwards. Inside. 2souls. Then, the clock stopped. It was just 3 seconds of sweetness graze. Seized.

Rhythm came in just right in time. I never asked for love. I'm taking my pill now. I'm getting too addicted to it. Felt the pain, felt the glory, felt the rhythm, felt it all just when i least expect it.

Sweet bliss

He was with me in paradise. We explore the beauty and silence of it. Nurtured each moment as if it was the last. Forget about tomorrows. For it would spoil the instant. we flew away. Only the serenity and beauty of completeness captivated our souls. Discovered how it tucked away in the shadows of the trees, then rediscovered on the smile of flower as the sun penetrated its petals... In the rhythm of the leaves falling upon the stream... In the freedom of the robin as he flew searching.. There we are... Perfect rhythm witnessed by the Roseline...

"It rained. I saw his face through the clouded window pane. It seemed he was crying but it was just the rain falling down the window. I heard his laughter but it was only the thunder repeating itself. I thought, I heard him talking to me, but it was only the branches rubbing against the glass."

On his thoughts

Now it's working...

"We will stand thread bare. And, I will see you in your place, as we can not

measure the inevitable see nor the space between us, I will wait!

We have borders to cross..."

And, I'll have my piece... Just right in time.

Moment of inertia

"There are things left uspoken. Silence makes you contemplate,

confusion gives excitement and thrill becomes sweeter. Amidst all these, truth remains..."

He went to citibank around 8:30pm just to see me before his shift. We only had 2 hrs of sleep after exchanging text messages til almost 5pm. We had a casual talk. Nothing mushy. Nothing passionate. But, i can feel that "something". Just need to have it for the right time.

Rattling stage

Never wanted to complicate things. I'm just waiting for the right time. Maybe, he thought I'm just bluffing. I messed it all up. So, i told him forget what i said. It won't matter to him anyway. He said it matters. I wish he could read my mind and i could do the same. But, he can't, so am i.

Hovering

I know there's something... I need to know what he really thinks. He gave me all the signs. It's been awhile.. Now is the right moment to know. And, I'm right! I caught him off-guard. Well, it's better to regret things that you tried instead of regretting asking yourself "what if?"

He said looking good is an understatement. I look hot! So, there! Gotcha! Ah well, that was exactly the purpose. But he didn't know anything. He kept on asking. I kept on responding figuratively. Let him think for now... Let him read my mind. That's how it will bring him throb.

Broken-winded

I woke up at 4:30 am. I have nothing to do in our orange house. So, i decided to go to the office even if it's my off. I checked my email. I knew it! He sent me an email.

"His words.. undying words..sweet words... lies! lies!"

Told myself gotta stop! It's easier said than done. I know, i'll get over it. I'd never indulge myself.. never again! Venom was never a sweet jazz. It was more of a potion... deceiving! alluring! misleading! deluding! desirable yet habitual!

In the absence of pleasure... there's tranquil.

Stalker??!!

Just got an anonymous message.. ah well, i think, someone's fooling around

or playing jokes on me. I'm not affected... He's just a fan! hahahahaha...

I miss him. I miss him. Damn!

Maybe, he's the one who sent that message! (Asa ka pa, Ice!) Now I'm thinking!

Definitely, I'll rejoice if it's really him.

"Miss you! Miss me?" I'm still puzzled.

Getting to my nerves

Good thing i wasn't able to see that asshole. He's such a silly creature! Dumb ass! Hornbutt!! eeewww... I really hate his guts! I can describe him in one word - "Moron!" It's freaking me out! Eeeerrrrr...

Oh wait.. actually, I can say a lot of things about him...

Liar. Stupid. Asshole. Dumb. Fool. Stubborn. Wretched. Imbecile. Bastard. Shitface. Bullfrog. Irresponsible. Offensive. Jerk. Obtuse. Senseless. Torpid. Dull. Crass. Vexatious, Exasperating. Brutish. Unreasonable. Hick. Insensible. Slugish.

...and it all boils down

"He's obsolete... Nonsense!"

Finally, i vent it out...

Drowned

Once again, I'm drowned...

It was never love.

It was something that i anticipated,

Stupidity!

How can i escape?

He's feeding me

with the sweetness of his venom?

I never refused...

It was an instinct!

Did it make me happy?

Apparently, yes!

Did i regret?

Initially, no!

Again, it was passion!

I knew for a fact,

it was a big mistake!

yet, I embraced it all once again...

Am i selfish?

I guess so...

he was never my life,

though, it was the venom

i longed for...

"See you in a couple of days!"

Again, i'm strayed! I'm totally drowned.. Do i have plans of stopping? I don't have the will to do so...

Quality time

Finally, i saw Sophie (Scott and Eden's baby). She's so healthy and pretty. I met them over at G4 infront of Tater's. Eden and I talked seriously. We cleared out all the biases and confusions we had in the past. Tita (Eden's mom) asked me to go with her in Hongkong this march. Well, it's exciting! That's something i can explore.

I had great time with kermit. We watched Meet the Fockers and went to Music21 after. He was so crazy singing alternative songs like Unwell, Wherever you will go, etc. It was really fun. We went home by 1am.

"mon chanson inoubliable"

I need to get a life. I 'm at work for 12 hours due to work load. Also, I need to be at the office this coming Saturday and Sunday. Bad news is.. i'd be here alone.. yup! all by myself. But, that's what i'd get for being sick for couple of days. Kermit said we'd meet up by saturday after our shifts. I'm so excited. It's been awhile since we were together not to mention that he got mad because i mess up on his birthday.

I Didn't Know I Was Looking For Love

by Everything But The Girl
Album

I was alone thinking I was just fine,
I wasn't looking for anyone to be mine
I thought that love was just a fabrication,
A train that wouldn't stop at my station
Home, alone, that was my consignment,
Solitary, confinement
So when we met, I was getting around you,
I didn't know I was looking for love until I found you.
I didn't know I was looking for love until I found you
I didn't know I was looking for love until I found you
I didn't know I was looking for love
I didn't know I was looking for love
'Cuz there you stood, and I would,
Oh I wonder, could I say how I felt and not be misunderstood?
A thousand stars came into my system,
I never knew how much I have missed them.
Slap, on the lap, of my heart you landed,
I was coy, but you made me candid,
And now the planets circle around you,
I didn't know I was looking for love until I found you.
I didn't know I was looking for love until I found you
I didn't know I was looking for love until I found you
I didn't know I was looking for love
I didn't know I was looking for love
So we build from here with love the foundation
In the world of tears, one conselation
Now you're here and there's a full brass band
Playing in me like a wonderland
But if you left I would be two foot small
And every tear would be a waterfall
Soundless, boundless, I surround you
I didn't know I was looking for love until I found you.
I just didn't know.
I didn't know I was looking for love until I found you
I didn't know I was looking for love until I found you
I didn't know I was looking for love
I didn't know I was looking for love
(repeat to the end)

I wanted to post this song since then but i just forgot to do so... 

Dejavu

There's something in his eyes

There's something in it

I could not explain.

Staring and hiding as he run away

He looked back and caught me by surprise..

He smiled

Geez! Trapped!

Damn! Unspoken!

- my journal (May 22, 1995) -

Huh!!!?! It's happening all over again. Same feeling. Same adrenalin. Same thoughts. Trapped! Caught in between. But, I'm proud.. very proud! Though one thing's for sure, it will remain unspoken... Stupid bitch! *sigh*

21 Things About Me

Get to know me...

1. - I'm socially liberal but very conservative in nature.
2. - A cry baby-super! 
3. - Good listener not a great comforter
4. - Night crawler for about a decade
5. - Superdooper as in mega over hyper individual 
6. - Sweet and bubbly yet bitchy if situation calls for it
7. - Super takaw and loves sweets-
8. - Scared of heights, BLOOD (eeeww..), cockroach and ghosts 
9. - Once a theatre artist 
10. - Singing is part of my everyday routine
11. - Videoke addict 
12. - Frustrated dancer 
13. - Very opinionated and yet a very principled individual
14. - Frustrated chef 
15. - Straightforward so sometimes annoying
16. - Stubborn yet go by the rules 
17. - Movie addict 
18. - Can sleep 16hrs straight 
19. - People oriented 
20. - I don't believe in destiny 
21. - Loud music makes me sleep 

Reminiscing and my curly hair

I supposed to meet up with Eden, Lyra, French and Scott (it's his birthday today) at Redbox. But, I was damn busy with my journal. I read my entries dated 1995... 

I was still in highschool that time. He was such a venom, yet my first love. All the pains and sufferings..I thought, I would end up with him. But, I guess it was never meant to me. I still feel the pain while reading my journal. How could that be? It's been years... We never spoke in years... There was no ending. I just flew away. No need for an explanation. He totally blew it. But how come here am I still thinking of him... Reminiscing what could have been, what might have been. Undying promises... Yet he gave me a tormenting surprise. I guess, nothing will ever beat the sweetness and bitterness of first love.

And reading put me into sleep... crying... and longing... seeking for endless answers. I never deserved to be hurt that way. Why did I have to experience such a traumatic and tormenting past? Still feel blessed knowing I'm still capable to love... But maybe not in the same way I ever was...

Just had my hair curled today. My Mom gave me a 3-in-1 hairstyler. And i really like it! It's a volumizer, straightener and curler in one. It's really cool! So, i don't have to buy each separately. It's very compact! I met up Aian, Jonex and Winnie over at Starbucks. I really couldn't get over my hair being curled so i kept on bragging it to the TQA. But Marcus said it's just wavy! Whatever! It just reminds of Kate Hudson's hair in Almost Famous. Dickie said I just imitate Tina Arena's foxy look. Duh.. people!

It's a very stressful day! I wasn't able to scan because i took over Pam's class on nesting. So, i render floorsupport for the full shift.

One hell of an asshole

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! I really hate what i'm feeling right now. I want to blurt it out.. yet, i know it will add up insult to injury... You really can't please everybody. It keeps on coming back like a flash in a speed of light. I'm shaking like hell! What would i get if i give an agent a 0%? Will that give me an increase? Will that give promotion? As a matter of fact, that would affect my performance as well. As to how well i provide coaching or am i being effective? But then again, it hit me hard so fast and before i knew it, i'm caught off guard. 

Bullsh*t!!! I thought the issue was already resolved. It's been a month now. For all i know, that agent moved to VXI. However, she advised her TM that she's fuckin sick because of that evaluation i gave her. Yes, that stupid moron filed a Leave of Absence. See?! She's fuckin' crazy, dude! She was so damn brave to terminate that call and now she wanted to tell everybody it's my fault why she's suffering from quagmire... She's insisting that she never had released that fuckin' call. yeah ryt! Tell that to the marines. Everything was captured by NICE. It's her word against NICE!!! Apparently, i saw her father walking on by the corridors of 8th floor. I smiled at him. Yet, he gave me that freakin' look on his face. As if i killed her daughter? Goodness sake!!! They're possessed!!!

There you go... i just said it all... It ruined my day. I tried to be not affected but, it's still ruining my day. During my coaching session, one of my agents asked me if i'm ok. I asked him why. Then he said, it's because i'm not smiling. Almost messed up everything... coaching... positive scripting.. post shift meeting with my team.

I believe in the law of karma coz it kicks so fast... Better run, asshole!! I pity you!!!

my only consolation

I was kinda harassed today because of the work load. Yet, at the end of the day, it feels good to realize that i was able to accomplish my checklist. Getting a positive feedback from my Boss. Inspiring people to beat me... Sounds that i'm starting to be conceited again! hehehe.. 

I was expecting a call from kermit. But, it's been 3 days since the last time we talk. I guess, he's still mad. Just slept when we're watching Blade Trinity. Really fucked up on his birthday. But, i'm still waiting for his call.. and will still wait until his anger gone out. Hopefully.. the sooner.. the better..

My shining stars

Just did a crash course with Raiders, Buccaneers, Titans, Texans and Bears. It was a very tiring day. Discussed QA presentation. I'm telling yah, I already memorized each and every bullet of that power point. Our center isn't getting any calls since saturday. Mainbank Boise said it has something to do with the ivr coz it's updating. Oh well, now i know how it feels to be a Trainer. Though, it was fun... i'm telling yah.. i didn't seem to like it. =p

even if the day is so exhausted...

it's nice to know that i have my team that makes my day light...

"The Lady with passion for sarcasm.."

"The Moment stealer"

The Terrorist & The Queen Mom

The Ambassadress & The Bibba Hotbabe

Closure

I wasn't able to go to work last night. Bo, Maya and Kwinny bought lunch for us. They slept early than usual. I'm having a hard time sleeping because of the long hours of sleep last night.

I contemplated and then, I found myself incomplete. I miss BOSS. So, i grabbed my cellphone and sent a message to Eden and Scott saying how i wanted to end the gap between us. Afterall, it's been 3 months. I never expected a response from them. There were many occasions that I missed out. Maybe, i was really hurt.But, this message really paid it all. It touched my heart completely. "From the very start you've been special to our whole family... Nothing has changed. We still feel the same way for you. Let's not talk about the past. We have the rest of our lifes to enjoy our friendship." 

So, maybe i overeacted before.. I should've consulted either one of them if it was true. Yet, i didn't.. I detached myself and tried to hard to stay away from them... It was never an easy decision. They were my closest friends. I should've not judged them. Me and my prejudices. At least now, it's over...

Confessions

Things happen when you least expect it... I 'm shocked when i opened my friendster. 1 Friend Request! A request from "bruce wayne." (It's not his real name though.) But, i know who he is. How could i ever forget that guy? It's almost a year now when i met him. He's one of my mentees in my previous company. The friendship started when i broke up with ex on October of 2003. He'd always go to my post and asked for some tips for effective upselling. And the rest is history.

Though, there are questions that are uncertain:

Did it become "us?"

I've never conclude. Yet, he'd always say: "That's not the kindest way to treat your boyfriend!" But, it was never what it seemed.

Will we ever be friends? Only time will heal the wounds of betrayal. I found it easy to forgive. But, memories of past would always remain. Time will tell if i can forget.

Did i love him? Oh well, I thought so. Loving him used to be my greatest fear. And I was right, that hurts. I learned how to let go... he thought me what love really is. Perhaps, now i know... it was never him.

We went to Landmark to buy toiletries. I'm with Magne, Maya, Kwinny, Bo and Sarah. We had our lunch over KFC. Magne and I met Aian in Starbucks. We spent so much time together discussing our plans for QA department. At around 3pm, Aian left to meet up with Jonex. They were with Jen (she looks like laraFabrigas). We watched Ocean's 12. I love Brad Pitt.

unfinished business

I'm sick and tired finding the codes so i can add my playlist here in my blog. Finally, i gave up. I'll just let it go. I don't care anymore if i can't attach the codes in my blog. Nothing to lose! The hell i care! This is just a blog! Does it matter? My productivity suffered. (as if) I still have the most number of scans. The truth of the matter is i'm exceeding the goal. hehehehe. I'm having difficulties pulling out the agents for coaching. Resource center won't allow me to pull out anybody because of the call volume. So, i stayed in the office, waited for the agents to finish their calls and gave the feedback after their shift.

Requiem

I just watched Double Jeopardy by Ashley Judd. It made me cry how she longed for her son while she was in prison for 6 years. It made me even feel ill how the movie ended.

I couldn't help but to cry my heart out. I miss my baby Wacks. If only he's still here... i will never let him go. Fate brought me lots of pains for 3 years. Loneliness binds the soul... Deterioration of undying laughters... Maybe, i'm nothing compared to what i was then. Maybe, i'm useless compared to what i have dreamed before... Sometimes, you just don't know if luck is playing on you.

Almost fours years ago when she gave up her career, her family, her life. That P-test almost lost her sanity. She didn't know where to go, where should she run to, or where should she start? Some friends told her to carry on, some said she should get rid of "it". 

She made a not-so-easy-decision for a girl like her who had lots of dreams. Yes! She would keep him.. "There's already a life inside me that i should take care of!" Being pregnant was never easy. There were moments of instability, moments wherein you don't have the will to survive. Yet, she carried it on. He was always there for her. He never stopped caring, loving and understanding what she went thru.. Then, her "serenity" was born on the 19th of February of 2002. She cried when she saw him. Tears of joy that she could never explain. It's worth fighting for all this time. She felt certain happiness staring over his pretty face and could still remember his tiny hands touching hers. The scent of a baby that always made her day. He's her life... her dream... her all! 

But then, he's gone! After 9 days of being with him, God had took him from her. She wanted to die... yet, she anguished everything and tried to fight back... She almost lost her sanity...

Few years passed... yet, the girl still feel the pain. She still feels the same grief and mournful sorrows. She's still fighting. Though there are endless questions... Questions that were left unanswered...

Shuteye

For some strange reasons, I woke up past 6am. Only had almost 5hrs of sleep. I reached my bag and look for the vcds i borrowed from Kwinny and Bo. It was Swordfish by Hugh Jackman and Halle Berry. It didn't impress me when i finished the movie. Then i watched Something's Gotta Give. It's a feel-good movie of Dianne Keaton and oh shoot... just forgot the name of the actor. Sheez!! After that, i watched 8 episodes of Season 5 CSI Las Vegas. Though i already watched it when i bought it for my own Christmas present, i still enjoyed it. I'm into investigative stories and crime scenes uplifts my adrenalin except of course for blood. Eeew... My friend from highschool just called me up. They heard i'm in town and they wanted to drop by. So, i've been awake all day. I got my sleep at 5pm.

I'm home at last

I finally arrived home around 5pm. I didn't bring my laundry. It's a bright idea. I would not want to travel carrying a luggage of laundry. Duh?! Hell no!!! I found myself rushing to the fridge and get something to eat. Too bad coz i hafta have it cooked. Nobody's there but me. Obviously, I don't know how to cook. And that's my problem. 

So, I just settled with a slice of choc mousse and a soda. Flipped on my remote control, tried to find something to watch. Then, I pampered myself with sleep. It was 10pm when Mom knocked at my room. I woke up. She just asked me to eat and go to shower before i should go to sleep. Hello?! Mom, I just woke up. But then again it's Mom. Just found myself turning off the tv. Rushing through our dining. They just prepared my favorites... yeheeeeeeeeeyyy... I'm finally home..

Trapped

Supposedly, i'd go home to Sta. Rosa. Because Mom is freaking out on

her txt message the other day. She asked if i have no plans of going back home.

It's a very long story. To make the story short, Mom didn't know that i left home when they left for grandma's house. Going back, i planned to go home yesterday. But, I was trapped with a supcall. huwaaaahhh... I was left with no choice. I'm the only one left who could take that call. Windy said, it's just a simple billing concern. So, being a good samaritan, I accepted the call. Yet I wonder why Mom didn't bother texting me the whole day.

Just had a haircut with my roommates. It was Maya's idea. It's new year, so i guess, i should have a new look. Everybody agreed that we all go to the salon.

Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Why the player isn't working on Bo's and Marcus blog. Sh*t!!! It's making me sick!

Addiction

I woke up late than usual. I've been suffering insomnia for the past few days. And, i don't know why is that so. Jill and I went to starbucks for coffee. We saw Winnie who's resigning after No call, no show. She was with her bf (Mike) and Pyke. I felt certain sadness knowing that we'll have less time to go out. 

I wanted to utter so many things. Yet i was left unspoken. I can't blame them for leaving. They deserve to move on and live a better life and career growth outside the company. I promised myself that I'll have less talks, so less mistakes for this year. Maybe Maya's right, i should know how to play the game. 

I'm starting to get so addicted with the online quizzes. Here are the results:

What's Your Element?

Your Element Is Earth

You excel at planning and strategizing. You could be a champ at chess or Survivor. Well grounded, you are able to be realistic and rationalize. On the inside, you have a hard core. It's tough to phase you. You are super productive, and you are able to think anything through. Focused and super charged, your instincts are a good guide for your next step.

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence

You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well. An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly. You are also good at remembering information and convincing someone of your point of view. A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary. You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator.

What Number Are You?

You Are the Achiever

3 You're confident and competent - with a lot of energy. Eager to reach your goals, you are ambitious and competitive. You are good at motivating yourself and motivating others. You're also a charmer, with a great sense of humor.

flooble said that I am Not Gay (Not that there's anything wrong with that.)

Take the flooble Gay Quiz

My dost...

This day is about to end. Couldn't think of anything to write. Sometimes it really happens. You wanted to say so much but you're running out of words. That's what i'm feeling right now. I guess I'm just too overwhelmed. Everything's happening in a proper order and timing. Let me breathe first...

Aryt! Good thing that I came at the office at 10pm (though my shift starts at 12am). I met the deadline for the Agent's Developmental Report. I gave it to all the Ops. Sup. that I'm handling. I did 15 scans (10's our daily goal). So, I still had time to relax. I'm with Raj, Jill & Magne during our 1hr break. It's nice to know we have the same wave length. There's an incident happened with Raj that made us laugh our visceras out. We told ourselves: "NO SARCASM ALLOWED." Raj & I share the same New Year's Resolution: "I'll be less rude for the year." (hehehehe). Well, my stay with ACS becomes so light whenever they're around. We just don't talk about boys or some crap. Indeed, we talk about life. We can just talk about anything and everything under the sun. I stayed in the office until 10pm because I had to do coaching/feedback. Kwinny (my dormmate) and I went home at around 10:30am.

I'm surprised when i got some sort of questionnaires on my email. So, i followed the link. I decided to post it here...

What Kind of Soul Are You?

You Are a Hunter Soul

You are driven and ambitious - totally self motivated to succeed. Actively working to achieve what you want, you are skillful in many areas.You are a natural predator with strong instincts ... and more than a little demanding.You are creative, energetic, and an extremely powerful force.An outdoors person, you like animals and relate to them better than people.You tend to have an explosive personality, but also a good sense of humor.People sometimes see you as arrogant or a know it all.You tend to be a bit of a loner, though you hate to be alone.

What 2004 Hit Song Are You?

I Miss You by Blink 182

"The unsuspecting victimOf darkness in the valleyWe can live like Jack and Sally if we wantWhere you can always find me" You grew up a lot in 2004. And it was mostly a very good thing.

After shock!

He was trying to reach me that night of 12/31. He'd wanted to fetch me up at my apartment. And might as well celebrate with them as they welcome new year. But, I was down dead sleeping. I remember that i was crying the whole day because I thought I'd be alone. He said that they might be back on the 1st. So, I wasn't expecting anything. I called him when i finally read his message at around 12:30am. But unfortunately, I couldn't get through. Some sort of Network busy. To make it short, i wasn't able to spent time with his family.

But then again, the year started out pretty well. At last, I had quality time with him. We just hang out at Power Plant Mall. Since it's Metro Manila Film Fest, we watched Spirit of the Glass. It's his choice. He's into horror movies. Oh God! I miss kermit! It's really mixed emotions. Being with someone you really love is far better than heaven...

There are moments of sadness, triumphs, challenges, love and hatred last 2004:

• It still pains me so much considering that my son could've been 2 years old. I tried so hard to accept that it's his 2nd death anniversary. I still cried. Only God knows when will i recover from such distress...
• I met new friends from #kolehiyo Jay-An, Wah, Budji, Anne, Jhay, etc.
• We reconciled after 7 months of painful and traumatic separation.
• I resigned in my previous company. I left my comfort zone. My friends... my so-called family! I really thought I could never get thru..
• I lost some of my friends... or should i say, it was the end of one good friendship! Never really imagined, it would end that way. Better yet, instead keeping the pain.
• Our boutique was robbed 3 times last year. My Mom & Dad recovered the loses before the end of the year. Dad, Ferdie & Pepper joined PREX with Mom's influence.
• It's already a year when Argel (Rochele's bf) left for Japan. It reminded me how she hides the sadness in her eyes.
• Scott & Eden got married. And the latter bore a pretty baby girl.
• I was able to meet new friends here in my new company like Raj, Aian, Magne, Dickie, Jill, Pam, Marbee, Toni, Lui, Jun, Homey, Marcus, Gerum, Bo, Kwinny, Sara, etc. who made me realize that life's still worthwhile.
• I finally had my break. Something that I dreamed of, and something that i really wanted to become... So, Icey started to build dreams again... Started to trust... and the journey began...

Although, the year started favorable on my part. I still look forward to a brighter one ahead...

I'll do my best to work on my New Year's Resolution. That's a sure thing! (hopefully!) harharhar!!!

My friend Dickie

This is my friend Dickie... He's one really great guy. Like Aian, he's also insisting me to post our pic here in blogspot. So, there you go... Hope he'll like this. I'd really love to add his solo pic inside the Training room 3 over Citibank. But, i'm so sure that he'll be mad at me. So, i decided to post this pic taken at the lounge area. We were waiting for our TQA Meeting. Well, infairness to Dickie. He's good at it! He's really goodlooking. One thing that could remind me of him would be Tina Arena. Surely! He truly loves her. Or should i say.. He adores her! Infact, her album is playing over & over again here at Allied Bank. I could almost memorize her songs. "Wouldn't you know it if I've lost my courage. Isn't that funny, me lost for words..."

So much about Dickie... Just finished fixing my blog. You'll surely like its new look! After spending like 4hrs. I finally got the codes. I got the skins from Xanga which is my old blog. I really like this better. Though, there are still bugs. Yet, i'm working on it! At least, it's a good start! I admit! Hell no.. i'm not good at html!